One Year Later

It’s been one year since I visited this space.

So much has changed but hasn’t.

I’ve gotten over Jaques and the crazy girl. Friendships have evolved and my lovelife has been quite busy with great encounters and rendezvous but not one who stuck.

Still on the job hunt for something better and more fulfilling.

Sailing but not as much due to injury.

Playing beach volleyball, but not as much due to the same injury.

Owning my life and my actions and the thought that I met a person whom I thought would change my life for the better. I felt a way I’d never felt.

The details are irrelevant really.

What sucks is that I feel played.

He said things to me, about me. Made me feel special and amazing just like I know I am. I was able to be me.

Apparently though, I’m too sassy for him.  I’m too outgoing for him. I’m too much for him.

All the things he said he liked about me are now making him second guess everything about me.

I have so many unanswered questions.

He has other stuff going on that trumps him and I.  His life is not simple. And in turn I’ve wasted time. I have no idea how he feels about me. I’m being a girl? He’s being a guy.  And this has all made me very upset and distracted from other things going on in my life that I need to address but haven’t. I promised myself I wouldn’t let a guy do this to me. But I have.

I feel foolish. Sad and disheartened. That I opened up and got stomped on. Glutton for punishment of showing my heart.

My life is simple. I’ve worked hard to make it this way. He’s making me all up in my head. He’s making me second guess myself and my actions. In reality, I shouldn’t be. There is nothing wrong with me.

In the past three months I’ve had five different men, including Him, tell me how amazing and fantastic and wonderful I am. And at the end of the day. All of these men are unavailable because they are either married, my random exes, or leading complicated lives, live outside this world or are down right not my type.

I am grateful for where my life is and have immense gratitude for those in it. But I am an amazing person. I need someone who is able to handle that. And who wants to sail. Because I will own a boat one of these days. This is my passion. My life. And I refuse to give it up.

 

Ebb and Flow

It all started on Tuesday evening…with the knowledge of Jacques and the girl I had befriended who had been dating. Ya. I threw up a little too. What followed was a 24 hour rip tide that ebbed and flowed in any direction.

At the end of it all.

I’m not sure exactly how I feel about everything. Nonetheless, here’s the story.

So. I found out about Jacques and the girl at the sailing club with whom he is dating. They don’t show it at the club. But I am smarter than they give me credit for. PLUS she’s all “I dunno what’s what with him and I” and I’m all…WHY AM I SITTING HERE LISTENING TO THIS. I can’t be that girl.

But I need to start at the beginning of this 24 hour shit show.

Tuesday night is racing night. I couldn’t find someone to race with so I hunkered down on the patio. (Best patio in Vancouver). And by chance, my friend (SSC)from Sudbury ended up being in town for Tuesday night only and she came to the club to join me for dinner.  By the time she joined me, it was 8pm and the racers were coming off the water.

This included the new girl and the rescue crew – inc. Jacques and a myriad of others.

SSC met the new girl. She didn’t like the new girl.

Later returning to my car, I saw new girl and Jacques talking in the parking lot. She basically raced out after he had left the patio. And as I saw them chatting. I got angry.

Angry at myself that I was letting this get to me. Things that I cannot control. Mad at myself for letting myself open up to him and her at different times when obviously that was a mistake. Pissed that I still don’t know how to pick decent friends sometimes.

Thank god I was with SSC. She and I had a fantastic gab session until 1am at my place. Not just about me and my lil world, but about life and love and work and all those things. Hate that she lives so far away. But on the flip side, our time together is much more meaningful when we do get it.

Continuing with the flow, after less than 5 hours sleep. Go to work. Where I did some google searching about tooth pain and came to the conclusion I needed to see a dentist as I suspected I have a bottom wisdom tooth  coming in and it was becoming infected.  So i took off work at noon and departed for the dentist.

Since I had time, I figured I would run an errand. During the running of the errand. GUESS, who I ran in to? JUST EFFING GUESS?

FilmGuy.

YES. FILMGUY!

Which was civil. It was fine. He’s now directing. He’s now making $3500 a week. He now can afford things. He seems calmer and more at ease with life. I still feel he blamed me for holding him back which is absurd. He’s still with his new girl. I’m glad.

That was the longest 20 mins of my day.

3.5 hours later.

It was determined that sometime during the late 80s/early 90s that a dentist removed my adult 3rd molar to make room for “new teeth” coming in. After the full mouth x-ray, the “new teeth” turned out to be my wisdom teeth.  Apparently this practice was the “thing to do” by dentists out of California and a lot of BC dentists apparently adopted the now defunct idea of removing molars for wisdom teeth.

I now need to find a new dentist who can remove the bottom teeth. Preferably without the need for surgery.

By the time I got home, I was beat. Exhausted. Mentally. I had a nap. Couldn’t even bring myself to open emails or attempt to do some work.

An hour later. I zoned out playing beach volleyball and just played. Didn’t think about anything else. Just hit the ball, passed the ball, set the ball on repeat.

Then went home to bed. WHERE the NEW GIRL was texting me. And I don’t reveal me. I just respond to her. This is a fine line. I don’t want to throw wrenches into the works because I see her almost every weekend. But I can’t remain close with her. Just not sitting right. Detour required. Major detour required.

I finally rested at midnight. Where I stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep thinking about the ebb and flow of the last 24 hours.

Somehow there’s drama because I care. I care about people. I care how I’m treated and how I treat others. It irritates me to no end when that consideration is not reciprocated.  However, with the full knowledge that I can’t do anything about it. And possibly that is what frustrates me the most. I can only control how I behave or how I process things. That is logical thinking. That’s how I am trying to be. Finding my zen if you will.

But the Gemini side of me wants to light Jacques boat on fire and write bad reviews for every film/tv show FilmGuy gets to direct.

Ebb and Flow.

I’m from the milkyway

This summer has been fantastic for the most part.

I’m sailing mostly and playing beach volleyball and have met new people and have been able to to hang out with old.

It’s been fabulous.

For the most part.

Then I figured it out. The past four weeks. I’ve watched it unfold. Basically since a week before I was a Glutton for Punishment.

Jacques started to date this girl at the club. And I watched it happen in front of me. He goes after what he wants. Then when he doesn’t want it. He moves along.

She’s starting to wonder about what his intentions are.

WHY am I the one who gets to hear it?

WHY???

AND. WHY. Do I get to WATCH it?

Because. I’m trying to take the high road. He’s a jack ass. And I deserve better. But do I deserve to actually see whatever this is unfold in front of me?

I watched it last night. I was angry. They don’t care about me. That part is obvious. They deserve each other. Both liars. Both suck as people. Both don’t care. So. Why do I care?

Because apparently I’m just a glutton for punishment.

All of us are on different paths. I’m in the bloody milky-way compared to the road they are on. Ignorant Road I think it’s called.

It just sucks because we all have this similar interest. Sailing. I was thinking of joining the Rescue team. Hells bells no. Jacques already on it and she is thinking of joining next year. But why do I have to refrain from doing what I want?

I love this sailing thing. Finally found a hobby I enjoy. And I love being on the water. It is the best thing I have done for myself.

 

 

The Receding Anxiety

The anxiety is settling.

Mainly because Jacques actually said something nice about my sailing capabilities 7 days later. I found out in fact he was saying it to others and one person actually said… “Have you told Jewels this?”….*crickets*

He finally told me. Sunday evening in a convo that included his regular sailing partner and it was all good.

Just conversation between him and I feels so weird.

We don’t have much in common I think.

I do catch him checking me out though. Which is flattering. Thankfully, nothing comes of it. Why make things more awkward than they are?

All in all the anxiety is receding. Except the question about what to do with my dad situation. I am good at squelching that. And currently, I think that’s what I want to do.

High Anxiety

Since Sunday…so many things have caused my anxiety to soar.

First is one of my own making since I decided to be a Glutton for Punishment and sail on race day with Jacques. WTF WAS I THINKING??? I haven’t been able to get his annoying, scolding, voice out of my head, AFTER we had just finished racing. I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to cry. He treated me like a child from the get go all because he wanted to go faster, he wanted to compete. It was not ideal.  I just didn’t want to listen to HIM anymore. I made a stupid decision. A stupid mistake. A lesson in humility and ego bashing, but also it’s cost me some level of respect or opportunity in the future to possibly go on one of these boats again with someone else. Possibly. Time will tell.

It’s four days later.

Wish I could shake his voice out of my head.

I woke up to his voice yelling inside my ears.  And it’s still going.

ALL OF WHICH MAKE ME WANT TO HURL.

I still feel sick to my stomach.

Racing. Not. For. Me.

I should know me better. I do know that about me.

Second, work. bleh. not going to talk about it really except it’s boring and repetitive and it pays the bills.

Thirdly, school. I had a final yesterday which I really didn’t study for. At. all. Because I was working and playing instead. Who takes a course in Summer???

Fourthly. And this is possibly the real catalyst for my anxiety. The decision to take the opportunity to reconnect with my father. It’s been a 16 years since he and I last spoke. Unfortunately, the love of his life passed away and common decency and good upbringing dictates that I least send a sympathy card. Now the big question, do I open the door for contact with placing my return address on said card? Do I even want to have the hope that he will contact me? Do I want to be contacted? Do I just want to send the note and leave it at that? Or do I want to not do anything?

There is no timeline on this. It will never be too late to send the sympathy card. It’s already been over three months since her passing. My half-sister told me in April and gave me our father’s address at my request.

But the question “What do I want….” keeps rolling through my head.

Right along side Jacques the Asshat screaming “GYBE” and “Fuck” and “You know what your problem is….”

All of this makes anxiety.

Very High Anxiety.