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Archive for the ‘Grateful’ Category

High Anxiety

Since Sunday…so many things have caused my anxiety to soar.

First is one of my own making since I decided to be a Glutton for Punishment and sail on race day with Jacques. WTF WAS I THINKING??? I haven’t been able to get his annoying, scolding, voice out of my head, AFTER we had just finished racing. I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to cry. He treated me like a child from the get go all because he wanted to go faster, he wanted to compete. It was not ideal.  I just didn’t want to listen to HIM anymore. I made a stupid decision. A stupid mistake. A lesson in humility and ego bashing, but also it’s cost me some level of respect or opportunity in the future to possibly go on one of these boats again with someone else. Possibly. Time will tell.

It’s four days later.

Wish I could shake his voice out of my head.

I woke up to his voice yelling inside my ears.  And it’s still going.

ALL OF WHICH MAKE ME WANT TO HURL.

I still feel sick to my stomach.

Racing. Not. For. Me.

I should know me better. I do know that about me.

Second, work. bleh. not going to talk about it really except it’s boring and repetitive and it pays the bills.

Thirdly, school. I had a final yesterday which I really didn’t study for. At. all. Because I was working and playing instead. Who takes a course in Summer???

Fourthly. And this is possibly the real catalyst for my anxiety. The decision to take the opportunity to reconnect with my father. It’s been a 16 years since he and I last spoke. Unfortunately, the love of his life passed away and common decency and good upbringing dictates that I least send a sympathy card. Now the big question, do I open the door for contact with placing my return address on said card? Do I even want to have the hope that he will contact me? Do I want to be contacted? Do I just want to send the note and leave it at that? Or do I want to not do anything?

There is no timeline on this. It will never be too late to send the sympathy card. It’s already been over three months since her passing. My half-sister told me in April and gave me our father’s address at my request.

But the question “What do I want….” keeps rolling through my head.

Right along side Jacques the Asshat screaming “GYBE” and “Fuck” and “You know what your problem is….”

All of this makes anxiety.

Very High Anxiety.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

I’m in such a good mood today.

It’s so hard to even concentrate on work. Maybe because it’s Friday.  Maybe because there’s a heatwave in Vancouver around the corner. Maybe because I had a week of revelations.Thanks to good friends and possibly lack of sleep.

The realization that two years ago this week, I was in such a bad emotional state. The words., “absolute wreck and depressing creature” come to mind to describe me. It was the first break with FilmGuy. I had moved out. I had no where to go. It was bizarre. This time last year, we were still trying to make it work. I can’t even remember what I got him for his birthday. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to give him. I could think of many things I wanted to take away from him.

THAT is a sign the relationship is done. Gone. But I still hung on.  I know…wtf.

NOW two years after I moved out, one year after I realized the end should have been solidified 7 months prior. I can only laugh, smile and drink the champagne.

Life is great. I have a job (knock on wood), I have the love of friends, I’m almost rid of all my debt and I have found a passion in sailing.

I can’t sweat the small stuff. The details I can’t control. How people perceive me, what they think of me, whether they like me or not. All I can do is smile and carry on. Not worry about it. It will all work itself out. Because if anything the last two years have taught me. It always does.

a recap of 2012, just a tad late.

It’s no secret that this past year was full of ups and downs for me. I have been procrastinating on the re-cap because I didn’t want to own up to my mistakes…publicly. Nor do I really want to get into the grey cloud that was consistently hanging over my head in the month of December. However, that’s not to say that 2012 was infinitely better than 2011, because it definitely was, so at least things have been moving in a positive direction. With that said, however, I think it’s safe to say that 2012 was the year of drinking and could quite possibly be the reason I may need a new liver later in life.

In hindsight, I reverted back to the 29 year old who drank away the weekends because that was more fun and entertaining. Yes I’m fully aware that this type of thought process and reasoning could very well be the road to absolute disaster and living off the vodka bottle on a daily basis. Or champagne bottle in my case. But never fear. I’m far too cheap to spend that much money on booze.

The consumption of booze was one of the many complaints I heard from FilmGuy over the past year as we attempted to reconcile our doomed relationship. That my drinking had increased since I no longer lived with him and he didn’t approve. Which is ironic as there was a time when he drank his feelings and the day away far more than I ever have in my life, but it was not okay for me to partake in such affairs of socializing. Even as I type this I want to roll my eyes and reach for the bottle of champagne.  Needless to say, the reconciliation failed miserably, at a friends wedding reception no less. (Fun fact – FilmGuy escorted me to three weddings in the last three years and at all three weddings there was a dramatic issue with FilmGuy.) Ergo, FilmGuy has moved on from proposing to me to falling for 30 year old nurse who follows him to wherever his career stations him and I got under a few good men (pun not intended, but still a good pun).

Currently, I’m doing my Dry January (which could turn into dry February). I did this last year too. Being dry allows me to put a lot of things into perspective. Things such as you don’t need to drink just because your friends are,  you are able to abstain from destructive behavior because you can, and you look at your money and ask the question, “How much did I spend on booze last year?”. And then pick your jaw up off the floor and consider how in fact you are going to retire at the age of 55 if you keep doing that.

But I digress.

Before NYE, I drank the white wine reserves in my fridge with a couple of friends. We had no intention of rip roaring through five bottles for three girls, it is a skill that we really shouldn’t be proud of. But in fact we kind of are.

And then I stepped on a scale. I can now see exactly how many lbs my relationship with FilmGuy cost me. I ate and drank my feelings. So now I have to run and burn my feelings. Or else I’m going to become the unhappy blob and be the only SINGLE person in my family. And no I’m not talking the immediate family. I’m talking the 26+ of immediate and extended family. So. Ya. That’s Awesome. Time to be the happy blob instead.

Also I have taken stock of some friendships. Some are going to have to go, mainly because they are pals with FilmGuy. He can have them. They aren’t including me anymore and quite frankly they are just drinking buddies, which is not where I want to be, so it’s a win win. Other friends that need to go by the way side, as they are the passive aggressive ones that think they are better than me, when they are no better than me than I am of them…(did I say that right?). So, just slowly removing them from my world. I’m a big believer in that not every friend is to be a life long pal and they do all play a role at one point or another.

The good things that have happened is that I’m finally going to be an aunt in 2013. Professionally I made the right choice and moved on to a new company at the right time and scored a big trip to the southern hemisphere as a result. And although it’s a tough job and sometimes lacking motivation and inspiration. It’s still going very well.  Thank goodness, the job is going well and I’m more or less healthy. Everything else will fall into place as well.

2012 has been the tail end of the 2011 roller coaster and I’m ready for this ride to level off. At least for a bit.

As I continue the daily battle to work on myself in my time as a singleton, I have decided to love myself more. That is the one thing that I think lacked, especially in my relationship with FilmGuy. I let him make me think that I wasn’t strong, or smart, or worthy of so much, when in fact, every one is. In fact, I read a review of the movie Silver Linings Playbook, written by the amazing Amanda Adrian*. Her review was an insight into this movie which I liked, but I still consider is kind of a chick-flick, that I had not considered. Love for yourself and that you deserve a love who “Gets you, gets your issues, and loves you because of them, not in spite of them”. Funny, we all know this stuff, but it’s nice to be reminded of it.

The lessons I have learned about myself from the good, bad and ugly of 2012 are that I am a tough and fun loving girl. I absolutely can’t stand being bored. I can be a little crazy at times, but not in a “psycho boil a bunny” kind of way, more like in a “I’m bored can we please do something not normal” kind of way. I am now and forever will be a little bit of a klutz. And that is something that probably won’t ever change. Ergo, I’m just going to love me, be me, and look for a love that just gets me.

Happy New Year Folks! Cheers!

*In case you don’t know of the panda loving Amber Adrian, you should! Amber is not only an amazing writer, but through her writing and on twitter projects such an amazing optimism and humour. I encourage you to review her blog post “Live – Tweeting My Father’s Death”. It’s definitely inspirational how more people in our society need to look at life, not just in death, but in every way. Thank you Amber.