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Archive for the ‘Jacques’ Category

High Anxiety

Since Sunday…so many things have caused my anxiety to soar.

First is one of my own making since I decided to be a Glutton for Punishment and sail on race day with Jacques. WTF WAS I THINKING??? I haven’t been able to get his annoying, scolding, voice out of my head, AFTER we had just finished racing. I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to cry. He treated me like a child from the get go all because he wanted to go faster, he wanted to compete. It was not ideal.  I just didn’t want to listen to HIM anymore. I made a stupid decision. A stupid mistake. A lesson in humility and ego bashing, but also it’s cost me some level of respect or opportunity in the future to possibly go on one of these boats again with someone else. Possibly. Time will tell.

It’s four days later.

Wish I could shake his voice out of my head.

I woke up to his voice yelling inside my ears.  And it’s still going.

ALL OF WHICH MAKE ME WANT TO HURL.

I still feel sick to my stomach.

Racing. Not. For. Me.

I should know me better. I do know that about me.

Second, work. bleh. not going to talk about it really except it’s boring and repetitive and it pays the bills.

Thirdly, school. I had a final yesterday which I really didn’t study for. At. all. Because I was working and playing instead. Who takes a course in Summer???

Fourthly. And this is possibly the real catalyst for my anxiety. The decision to take the opportunity to reconnect with my father. It’s been a 16 years since he and I last spoke. Unfortunately, the love of his life passed away and common decency and good upbringing dictates that I least send a sympathy card. Now the big question, do I open the door for contact with placing my return address on said card? Do I even want to have the hope that he will contact me? Do I want to be contacted? Do I just want to send the note and leave it at that? Or do I want to not do anything?

There is no timeline on this. It will never be too late to send the sympathy card. It’s already been over three months since her passing. My half-sister told me in April and gave me our father’s address at my request.

But the question “What do I want….” keeps rolling through my head.

Right along side Jacques the Asshat screaming “GYBE” and “Fuck” and “You know what your problem is….”

All of this makes anxiety.

Very High Anxiety.

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It is what it is.

It’s March already?  Where did the time go?  February is already a short month and it just seemed to get shorter.

As for me, life is trucking along and some tough decisions were made.

I decided to leave the Softball team that I joined with FilmGuy. Mainly because Captian was being a douche and not getting back to my inquiry as to what the plan was for the team, whether it was FilmGuy or myself. So I made the decision for him – or as Captain would say “Easy for [him]”. Which is insulting. Although I did call him immature and disrespectful in his inability to respond to my email after a week. My patience got the better of me.

Also, I can’t be friends with those who associate with the bully aka FilmGuy.
So. C’est la vie.

Unfortunately, it means I’m losing friends and FilmGuy would then say I’m being a quitter and obviously he’s [as Charlie Sheen said] #WINNING.

Can I roll my eyes yet? No?

Oh yeah….one of my good friends knows FilmGuys new girlfriend and her family. Not directly, but through another friend whom I am an acquaintance of. Basically. It’s FOUR DEGREES OF SEPARATION.

NOW I can roll my eyes.

All of this is too close for comfort. Hence the new friends need apply.

I did join another team, albeit in the same league on the same night [Tuesdays]. That wasn’t intentional, it’s just how it manifested itself.  If I don’t like it, I don’t have to go to play or play against my old team. It’s not a big loss on life, it’s just how life is sometimes.

I have joined other activities and am trying to join a beach volleyball team, but the only one worth joining was also for Tuesday nights, so that blows. It’s too late to back out of softball, so I live with the decisions and hope that another team will need a girl. I am keeping my eyes open.

Aside from that, my social life is at a stand still. All my best girls no longer live in the lower mainland. It is harder to find people that I actually want to spend my time with and who won’t throw me under the bus. With that said, it’s why I’ve been visiting far off places as Kamloops, BC and will be heading to Calgary, AB at the end of the month. These are hot tourist destinations I know! But effort has to be made and who doesn’t like a little adventure!

The biggest thing, is that I’m still crushing on Jacques. There was a rendezvous for a brief minute than I left. Smacking my forehead with the palm of my hand. SUCH a good kisser. On paper he is everything that I find attractive. He himself is physically attractive and for the most part we have such a good time. Too bad there is something that he doesn’t want or doesn’t see in me. He doesn’t want to be a boyfriend or he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend. Either way, he’s just not that into me anymore…abruptly so and I’d love to know why. But men are simple, so, he’s just not that into me.

Although I’ll forever be confused as to why he texted, emailed, sent me a postcard from his holidays and returned with a gift if he didn’t see this going somewhere? Boggles my mind.

All in all, it’s life and I’ll live. Just somehow have got to let those details go and learn to be just friends…that is possible no? hmmm maybe not. Maybe I’m kidding myself. However, our paths will probably cross this summer. We are neighbours and I have been planning on taking sailing lessons which happens to be the same venue where he sails out of. I swear this was planned long before I knew him. In fact FilmGuy and I were to do sailing lessons last summer but FilmGuy didn’t want to bla bla bla, so I’m doing it this year. Come rain or shine. Literally.

Between softball, volleyball and sailing life is looking active. Just the way I like it. I just have to get through March without being THAT girl. That girl who texts Jacques because she’s bored [everybody now….EYEROLL] or THAT girl who throws a pity party for herself on every Friday and Saturday night because she doesn’t have a plan. Or THAT girl whom eats her feelings and hibernates to the point of removing oneself from society.

Luckily I’m only 2 out of the 3 “THAT girl” scenarios. Definitely trying to avoid all three this weekend.

Concensus

Asshole.

That’s what the trivia night pals called Jacques after one night  of not even having to talk to him.  And these aren’t even my “go to” friends. These are my softball mates and going out for beers mates.

And I couldn’t agree more the more I think about it.  Kinda embarrassed actually that he even came last week, I totally knew it wasn’t his scene and I totally thought he would bail when I gave him the lo-down of the crappy bar, cheap beers, hipster friends who are chill. But no. He still came. And acted like a douche.

Thank god I got outta my head and recognized this on my own, just wish it was before last Tuesday night, but I least I recognized it at all.

Oh well. Can’t win them all.

 

Perspective.

Now that I’ve gotten outta my head. And Jacques is no longer texting me daily because he has nothing better to do in places like Iceland or France, I think it’s safe to say that this person is just here for the moment not for the long term.

We did have a date on Friday night. We cooked pasta from scratch and it was a fantastic time with good laughs and good chats. From the chats I’ve determined that Jacques is the consummate bachelor and he lives his life like that. I don’t think he does want to be “settled” or with one woman. He seems to have these generalized assumptions about women and how they behave and all of them are bitchy and complainers. Not to mention he views “settled” as a place in the suburbs – and he assumed (incorrectly) that’s what I would want. And being a typical French man he really didn’t believe me when I said no thank you. So. That was awesome to sit and listen too.

Needless to say, that was a turn off and all I needed to hear to get outta my head. I’m not going to try and defend the female gender and try to ignore that the closed minded Frenchman is lumpy me into those assumptions. But nor can I just sit by and accept them. Basically, after a week or things swishing in my head, I’m finally outta it. Que Sera. What will be will be.

At least for the last couple times we’ve met up it’s been a fun romp which I do deserve and was completely selfish in taking.

A totally different topic, but one that makes me completely sad. FilmGuy’s dog died unexpectedly this morning at 2am. The dog suffered from epilepsy however, everything had been going well. Apparently, the 7 year old pup growled at another dog, the dog barked and did not attack or do anything aggressive, the pup threw up, lied down and went to sleep.

I spent two years living (on and off) with the pup and had my own attachment to her, not to mention almost poisoned her myself when she found some xmas chocolate. But no matter how much I disliked the responsibility that the pup entailed, she was a cutie and always made me smile not to mention slept in my laundry basket almost every night we had her. What was really jarring was to hear FilmGuy sob. He’s decidedly out of town and wasn’t there and I think he’s going to feel guilty about that as well it’s the first time he’s experienced death of someone/something he loves. No matter our issues, I am not a cruel and unforgiving person and feel bad for FilmGuy and the loss of the pup, whom he loved more than anyone.

rip little stinker.

As always these sort of events, puts things into perspective. Nothing will change regarding the situation with FilmGuy, except maybe now he will truly understand loss. Not a lesson I wish on my worst enemy to learn of.

Gotta Get Outta My Mind

I’ve mentioned Frenchie in passing in previous posts. I feel that I really should expand. Also, I need to give him a nickname other than Frenchie as every time I use it I think of this….

Therefore….we will now call Frenchie…Jacque.

I met Jacque mid September and then two weeks later I was decidedly out of town in the Southern Hemisphere for three weeks. Then upon my return he was out of town for work and home for one weekend then gone again on vacation for most of November. This week has been the first week he’s been around. Although many texts and emails have gone back and forth. We’ve only seen each other five times.

And each time we’ve seen each other I’ve become more and more nervous and flustered. Not too sure as to why. But every time we have hung out, I do something stupid or say something stupid that is completely out of my character and wheelhouse. I feel like an idiot and all I can do is replay the idiocy in my head over and over and over again.

I am not this person. I don’t obsess over my behavior and what I should have or should have not  said or done. Especially when it comes to a boy…er…man. Ultimately throwing everything around my head puts me in a precarious position where I think I may like him more than he likes me.

The things I like about Jacque, aside from him being super tall, dark and handsome (no sh*t). He has a job that he loves, his world is together as much as one can, and he is enjoying life to the fullest. These are the very things that I’m used to being the one to have in the relationship. And even though I’m on the path to the same level he is, Jacque is about six years ahead of me professionally and is more mature than any man I’ve ever dated. Ergo, I feel small next to him and wonder (all the bloody time) what he sees in me and what does he want from me aside from the obvious ;).

Ultimately no one puts in this much time and effort into a relationship if it’s not worth it…but my head is making me wonder if he’s just in this until someone better comes along or does he actually see something in me and want something more substantial.

In this instance, I’m the abnormal one in the “relationship” or whatever this is.

Hell…this could all end tonight or tomorrow or whenever really and I could be mulling about all this anxiety or nerves for no reason but to learn a lesson.

I really need to get outta of my mind.