One Year Later

It’s been one year since I visited this space.

So much has changed but hasn’t.

I’ve gotten over Jaques and the crazy girl. Friendships have evolved and my lovelife has been quite busy with great encounters and rendezvous but not one who stuck.

Still on the job hunt for something better and more fulfilling.

Sailing but not as much due to injury.

Playing beach volleyball, but not as much due to the same injury.

Owning my life and my actions and the thought that I met a person whom I thought would change my life for the better. I felt a way I’d never felt.

The details are irrelevant really.

What sucks is that I feel played.

He said things to me, about me. Made me feel special and amazing just like I know I am. I was able to be me.

Apparently though, I’m too sassy for him.  I’m too outgoing for him. I’m too much for him.

All the things he said he liked about me are now making him second guess everything about me.

I have so many unanswered questions.

He has other stuff going on that trumps him and I.  His life is not simple. And in turn I’ve wasted time. I have no idea how he feels about me. I’m being a girl? He’s being a guy.  And this has all made me very upset and distracted from other things going on in my life that I need to address but haven’t. I promised myself I wouldn’t let a guy do this to me. But I have.

I feel foolish. Sad and disheartened. That I opened up and got stomped on. Glutton for punishment of showing my heart.

My life is simple. I’ve worked hard to make it this way. He’s making me all up in my head. He’s making me second guess myself and my actions. In reality, I shouldn’t be. There is nothing wrong with me.

In the past three months I’ve had five different men, including Him, tell me how amazing and fantastic and wonderful I am. And at the end of the day. All of these men are unavailable because they are either married, my random exes, or leading complicated lives, live outside this world or are down right not my type.

I am grateful for where my life is and have immense gratitude for those in it. But I am an amazing person. I need someone who is able to handle that. And who wants to sail. Because I will own a boat one of these days. This is my passion. My life. And I refuse to give it up.