well now it all makes sense. the intense sneezing fits, itchy eyes and stuffy nose. allergies. exacerbated by stress. check out this magainze article with Women’s Health. i believe it. physically i’m sneezing and feeling bleh. even though i started running again last week, i’ve dropped off again. lack motivation and currently stressed.
Emotionally, I’m a stress case and all the emotion I’ve been supressing to make it through this SIX WEEKS of couch surfing, decided to hit a wall on Tuesday night, THREE WEEKS EARLY.
This past Tuesday night, half way through my six weeks, the night before I was to start my new job. it all hit me. all being the past three weeks sleeping around random places from week to week. I just couldn’t move again in two weeks.
I was supposed to sublet and take care of my friends [former friend now?] two cats. one cat needed meds twice a day for kidney failure. plus SUBLET not just house sit. not to mention her boyf usually did that for her so apparently there was issues setting this all up. At the time of initiating and confirming this, it’s all i had. i had no where else to go. i would make it work. Because i had to and had no other alternative. it was extremely generous and appreciated the effort made by my friend, even with her rules of me not sleeping in her bed and the fact that I didn’t know where I was going to put my suitcase so two cats don’t camp in it and where to hang my clothes amongst the messiness of her piles and exploding closet. it was something i was willing to do because i had to. i couldn’t stay at my mothers for longer than a week, for my sanity and the fact that killing your mom is frowned upon.
I did have a week off between the old and the new job. I was contemplating what to do and where to go. As the option of staying at my mother’s 2 bedroom apt with my step dad as well, was not ideal. I was willing to go to Cali to visit my brother, but it was too late to use my air miles. I was going to go camping by myself, but the thought of a bear attack or cougar attack and no one would know if I was dead or alive freaked the crap out of me.
Then fate stepped in. The executor of my nana’s estate, UncleB, showed up at the beach house when my mom was there putting around the garden etc. They [mom, step dad, uncle b and aunt l] all had lunch together. And the topic of moi came up. Low and behold. “Jewels can stay at the beach house as long as she needs too” said Uncle B after what I can imagine was an interesting political tap dance of a conversation. See there are about 22 people effected by my nana’s passing and uncle B has to manage everyone’s requests and needs. There is only so much room at the beach. Luckily I have an air mattress now. So. Anyone else can come stay 🙂
But I digress. The point is. I can stay at the beach. So I did for that week between mom’s and when I was supposed to go to the friends.. The more time I sat at my nana’s beach front home, however, and decompressed from the stress of so much happening to me and around me in 14 days and now not having to work and not having to commute and not having to move and recalling how so many people said to me, “you look like you are handling this well”. I could only laugh because I knew I was breaking apart inside. Dealing with things as needed because they needed to be delt with. Trying to take care of myself and I haven’t been great at it. But I had resigned myself that I was to leave the beach house. Or did I.
“Stay as long as she needs too” said Uncle B.
So why was I leaving to a highly stressful environment where I have to take care of two cats, the boyf was already there doing it, and one cat could DIE at any moment. To an environment where I had to sleep in a sleeping bag on a bed. To a place where I couldn’t hang my coat. All to be able to take transit and not drive 60 minutes in rush hour? AND PAY TO LIVE IN THAT?????
It wasn’t the only place to go. But I made a commitment. I keep my commitments. So I packed the car and drove up the drive and stopped the car as I proceeded to sob uncontrollably. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk away from familiarity and comfort. My body was telling me not too.
While sobbing in the driveway, friends’ boyf who had left a message “I tried to call but you didn’t answer your phone”. Mainly because I was doing the ugly cry, thanks. I tried to compose myself and return his call.Paraphrasing here.
Boyf “When you coming over?”
Me: “I can’t make it tonight”
Boyf: “When do you think you’ll make it”
Me: “I honestly can’t tell you…I can’t think right now…*Sob*…I just *sob*… *inhale*….”
Boyf: “ummm whoa, okay you go deal with your issues”
Me: “thanks, I’m sorry….*sob* by”
So I emailed the friend. I could barely type. it wasn’t long not very explanatory, but good enough for a friend to go…whoa…take care of yourself I’ll figure it out, although i’m a bit ticked but i’ll get over it. BUT NO, I GET THIS LAST NIGHT!!!
“Wow. I regret offering my home to you. That was hard for me, and we made a lot of arrangements to accomodate you. I thought I was doing something to help you. Please find a way to get my keys back to [boyf].
Have fun at the beach.”
SO, now not only have I broked up with MY boyf, packed my apt, had house guests, ran a rehersal dinner, ran a wedding, sorted through job offers, accept a job, quit a job, move out of my apt mid month [stayed at this friends place…thank god] within 7 days. AND had a good friends husband die tragically in a motorcycle accident, apartment hunt for Aug 1st and attend a funeral all between June 11th and July 5th. I now have a friend pulling guilt trip even though she never should have agreed to it if it was SUCH A F*CKING INCONVIENCE. I never knew it was a big ordeal. So. Add GUILT TRIP to my list of shit to deal with. I did respond to this short and concise email with apologies and explanations. But this friend is immature when it comes to dealing with problems so I’m not expecting anything. If her Boyf didn’t say he could handle it, i would have sucked it up or if he said anything that he was counting on me…i would have sucked it up. noone said anything. noone gave me any indication that there was no other option. until i couldn’t.
I never go back on my word. Ever. But this time I had too. I have to take care of myself. My body and mind are just trying to get through a new job as well as come to terms with my life changing from the path I thought it I was on and was going. Willingly. ugh.
Songs suggested by the twittersphere Karma Killer and Best Thing I Never Had are on repeat. And are helping. PLUS every other friend in my world is saying if this friend can’t get over this, she’s not that good of a friend…but she is the one who gave me a place the day i moved out….but on her terms. Never in my life have I felt more uncomfortable at someones place.
I know I”ll get through this…i just need a bit more time in a comfortable and familiar environment without people to have to be “on” for or with and without cats to be responsible for so they don’t DIE.
Overall, I’m finally releasing everything that was held in for three weeks. shitty timing for my friend [?] but the right time for me.