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Archive for the ‘awesome’ Category

One Year Later

It’s been one year since I visited this space.

So much has changed but hasn’t.

I’ve gotten over Jaques and the crazy girl. Friendships have evolved and my lovelife has been quite busy with great encounters and rendezvous but not one who stuck.

Still on the job hunt for something better and more fulfilling.

Sailing but not as much due to injury.

Playing beach volleyball, but not as much due to the same injury.

Owning my life and my actions and the thought that I met a person whom I thought would change my life for the better. I felt a way I’d never felt.

The details are irrelevant really.

What sucks is that I feel played.

He said things to me, about me. Made me feel special and amazing just like I know I am. I was able to be me.

Apparently though, I’m too sassy for him.  I’m too outgoing for him. I’m too much for him.

All the things he said he liked about me are now making him second guess everything about me.

I have so many unanswered questions.

He has other stuff going on that trumps him and I.  His life is not simple. And in turn I’ve wasted time. I have no idea how he feels about me. I’m being a girl? He’s being a guy.  And this has all made me very upset and distracted from other things going on in my life that I need to address but haven’t. I promised myself I wouldn’t let a guy do this to me. But I have.

I feel foolish. Sad and disheartened. That I opened up and got stomped on. Glutton for punishment of showing my heart.

My life is simple. I’ve worked hard to make it this way. He’s making me all up in my head. He’s making me second guess myself and my actions. In reality, I shouldn’t be. There is nothing wrong with me.

In the past three months I’ve had five different men, including Him, tell me how amazing and fantastic and wonderful I am. And at the end of the day. All of these men are unavailable because they are either married, my random exes, or leading complicated lives, live outside this world or are down right not my type.

I am grateful for where my life is and have immense gratitude for those in it. But I am an amazing person. I need someone who is able to handle that. And who wants to sail. Because I will own a boat one of these days. This is my passion. My life. And I refuse to give it up.

 

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Ebb and Flow

It all started on Tuesday evening…with the knowledge of Jacques and the girl I had befriended who had been dating. Ya. I threw up a little too. What followed was a 24 hour rip tide that ebbed and flowed in any direction.

At the end of it all.

I’m not sure exactly how I feel about everything. Nonetheless, here’s the story.

So. I found out about Jacques and the girl at the sailing club with whom he is dating. They don’t show it at the club. But I am smarter than they give me credit for. PLUS she’s all “I dunno what’s what with him and I” and I’m all…WHY AM I SITTING HERE LISTENING TO THIS. I can’t be that girl.

But I need to start at the beginning of this 24 hour shit show.

Tuesday night is racing night. I couldn’t find someone to race with so I hunkered down on the patio. (Best patio in Vancouver). And by chance, my friend (SSC)from Sudbury ended up being in town for Tuesday night only and she came to the club to join me for dinner.  By the time she joined me, it was 8pm and the racers were coming off the water.

This included the new girl and the rescue crew – inc. Jacques and a myriad of others.

SSC met the new girl. She didn’t like the new girl.

Later returning to my car, I saw new girl and Jacques talking in the parking lot. She basically raced out after he had left the patio. And as I saw them chatting. I got angry.

Angry at myself that I was letting this get to me. Things that I cannot control. Mad at myself for letting myself open up to him and her at different times when obviously that was a mistake. Pissed that I still don’t know how to pick decent friends sometimes.

Thank god I was with SSC. She and I had a fantastic gab session until 1am at my place. Not just about me and my lil world, but about life and love and work and all those things. Hate that she lives so far away. But on the flip side, our time together is much more meaningful when we do get it.

Continuing with the flow, after less than 5 hours sleep. Go to work. Where I did some google searching about tooth pain and came to the conclusion I needed to see a dentist as I suspected I have a bottom wisdom tooth  coming in and it was becoming infected.  So i took off work at noon and departed for the dentist.

Since I had time, I figured I would run an errand. During the running of the errand. GUESS, who I ran in to? JUST EFFING GUESS?

FilmGuy.

YES. FILMGUY!

Which was civil. It was fine. He’s now directing. He’s now making $3500 a week. He now can afford things. He seems calmer and more at ease with life. I still feel he blamed me for holding him back which is absurd. He’s still with his new girl. I’m glad.

That was the longest 20 mins of my day.

3.5 hours later.

It was determined that sometime during the late 80s/early 90s that a dentist removed my adult 3rd molar to make room for “new teeth” coming in. After the full mouth x-ray, the “new teeth” turned out to be my wisdom teeth.  Apparently this practice was the “thing to do” by dentists out of California and a lot of BC dentists apparently adopted the now defunct idea of removing molars for wisdom teeth.

I now need to find a new dentist who can remove the bottom teeth. Preferably without the need for surgery.

By the time I got home, I was beat. Exhausted. Mentally. I had a nap. Couldn’t even bring myself to open emails or attempt to do some work.

An hour later. I zoned out playing beach volleyball and just played. Didn’t think about anything else. Just hit the ball, passed the ball, set the ball on repeat.

Then went home to bed. WHERE the NEW GIRL was texting me. And I don’t reveal me. I just respond to her. This is a fine line. I don’t want to throw wrenches into the works because I see her almost every weekend. But I can’t remain close with her. Just not sitting right. Detour required. Major detour required.

I finally rested at midnight. Where I stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep thinking about the ebb and flow of the last 24 hours.

Somehow there’s drama because I care. I care about people. I care how I’m treated and how I treat others. It irritates me to no end when that consideration is not reciprocated.  However, with the full knowledge that I can’t do anything about it. And possibly that is what frustrates me the most. I can only control how I behave or how I process things. That is logical thinking. That’s how I am trying to be. Finding my zen if you will.

But the Gemini side of me wants to light Jacques boat on fire and write bad reviews for every film/tv show FilmGuy gets to direct.

Ebb and Flow.

High Anxiety

Since Sunday…so many things have caused my anxiety to soar.

First is one of my own making since I decided to be a Glutton for Punishment and sail on race day with Jacques. WTF WAS I THINKING??? I haven’t been able to get his annoying, scolding, voice out of my head, AFTER we had just finished racing. I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to cry. He treated me like a child from the get go all because he wanted to go faster, he wanted to compete. It was not ideal.  I just didn’t want to listen to HIM anymore. I made a stupid decision. A stupid mistake. A lesson in humility and ego bashing, but also it’s cost me some level of respect or opportunity in the future to possibly go on one of these boats again with someone else. Possibly. Time will tell.

It’s four days later.

Wish I could shake his voice out of my head.

I woke up to his voice yelling inside my ears.  And it’s still going.

ALL OF WHICH MAKE ME WANT TO HURL.

I still feel sick to my stomach.

Racing. Not. For. Me.

I should know me better. I do know that about me.

Second, work. bleh. not going to talk about it really except it’s boring and repetitive and it pays the bills.

Thirdly, school. I had a final yesterday which I really didn’t study for. At. all. Because I was working and playing instead. Who takes a course in Summer???

Fourthly. And this is possibly the real catalyst for my anxiety. The decision to take the opportunity to reconnect with my father. It’s been a 16 years since he and I last spoke. Unfortunately, the love of his life passed away and common decency and good upbringing dictates that I least send a sympathy card. Now the big question, do I open the door for contact with placing my return address on said card? Do I even want to have the hope that he will contact me? Do I want to be contacted? Do I just want to send the note and leave it at that? Or do I want to not do anything?

There is no timeline on this. It will never be too late to send the sympathy card. It’s already been over three months since her passing. My half-sister told me in April and gave me our father’s address at my request.

But the question “What do I want….” keeps rolling through my head.

Right along side Jacques the Asshat screaming “GYBE” and “Fuck” and “You know what your problem is….”

All of this makes anxiety.

Very High Anxiety.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

I’m in such a good mood today.

It’s so hard to even concentrate on work. Maybe because it’s Friday.  Maybe because there’s a heatwave in Vancouver around the corner. Maybe because I had a week of revelations.Thanks to good friends and possibly lack of sleep.

The realization that two years ago this week, I was in such a bad emotional state. The words., “absolute wreck and depressing creature” come to mind to describe me. It was the first break with FilmGuy. I had moved out. I had no where to go. It was bizarre. This time last year, we were still trying to make it work. I can’t even remember what I got him for his birthday. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to give him. I could think of many things I wanted to take away from him.

THAT is a sign the relationship is done. Gone. But I still hung on.  I know…wtf.

NOW two years after I moved out, one year after I realized the end should have been solidified 7 months prior. I can only laugh, smile and drink the champagne.

Life is great. I have a job (knock on wood), I have the love of friends, I’m almost rid of all my debt and I have found a passion in sailing.

I can’t sweat the small stuff. The details I can’t control. How people perceive me, what they think of me, whether they like me or not. All I can do is smile and carry on. Not worry about it. It will all work itself out. Because if anything the last two years have taught me. It always does.

First Regatta. Crew.

This past weekend was my first Regatta at the JSC.

I was lucky enough to crew on a 16 foot catamaran. Almost got fully up on the trapeze.

Placed second out of four boats. All thanks to Sam and his boat. I just did as I was told.

Hopefully there are photos. Proof of my participation. somewhere. So I can share. Aside from the bruises and weird tan lines from my short wet suit.  Currently it just looks like I’m in a really bad physical relationship. I assure you though, that the relationship is with sailing and other water sports.

Until then…just have to take my word.

Next up, back to the FJ and to practicing how to helm.

Just have to keep getting out on the water and getting over the nerves of over tacking and over gybing the boat.

This is nothing I’d rather be doing these days than learning how to sail.

 

Step One Completed – Beginner Sailor

Cross one item off the bucket list!!! Well for a beginner anyways…next step sailing solo and eventually catamaran (that’s the end goal). For now I’ll sit in my glory knowing that I finally did this sailing thing. Something I wanted to do for years.

For the past seven weeks, I’ve been tacking and gybing my way in a Flying Junior (FJ) dinghy with a partner as the FJ is a two person boat.

fj-1

That is not me, nor is it Vancouver. But that is the type boat I’ve learned how to sail on. I passed the course. Not entirely sure how everyone passed the course. One would think that if a person rams their boat into the dock (which we don’t even use!) because they can’t figure out how to steer away from it, they should maybe not pass the beginners course.

No, that was not me and my crew who displayed such disregard for the basics. We had successfully capsized and righted the boat twice and landed at our spit before that crew could get their sh*t together.

I digress.

Now. I just need more practice before enrolling in the Intermediate classes for September and I have the entire summer to find a person to crew while I practice at the helm.

As wind is not a constant thing here in YVR or at the Sailing club for that matter. Tomorrow I’m learning how to self rescue in a kayak so I can take those out in the event the weather is not sailing friendly. (The club I belong to has a fleet for sailing, windsurfing and kayaing).

Just another part of this summer and how I am enjoying everyday of my life. Never in my adult life have I been more busy or content with the activities I’m doing or the life that I’m leading. I just need a few extra hours of sleep so I can get the practice for the 5K run I have coming up in August. Time IS running out on that one.

Fearlessly Living!

Fours years ago today.

Four years ago, today in fact, I thought I cemented my future with a man. I had hopes and dreams that this man and I would be the long haul. We had each others best intentions at heart, for each other and for ourselves.  It was the best birthday gift a girl could ask.

Boy. Was I wrong. See every post about Filmguy or exes. I couldn’t have been more wrong or preoccupied with the idea that I had found my lobster.

Today, I’m single.

Living fearlessly.

Doing things that I want to do that he wouldn’t support or want to do for whatever reason.

Things that make me happy on a day to day basis.

FINALLY.

  • I’m learning how to sail.
  • Playing so much beach volleyball I’m surprised I’m still standing (although my left leg today may have problems supporting that idea).
  • My house smells like surf and sand instead of red wine and boy.

So today I celebrate my thirtieth birthday for the fifth time and this weekend, (yes weekend, because lets be honest…I can do whatever I want), I will be attending a Mumford and Sons concert with the friends who introduced me to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros the final time FlimGuy and I broke. Tomorrow is Champagne & Plain Potato Chips day/night and Sunday I’ll be continuing to learn how to sail.

As the events of my life continue to unfold, I will be on the look out for my partner for my life. But the one thing I’ve learned as I get older and reflect, especially on the past four years. That a partner for me is not a necessity. It’s a want. I will not force it. It will happen for me as it’s supposed to from whatever social opportunities I present for myself. And I’ve never been more “meh” with the idea. Maybe even content with it, until I think about the possibility of slipping in the shower, hitting my head, ending up unconscious and unable to call for help. Then maybe the idea of someone picking up the phone to call 9-1-1 might come in handy. Or the times when you get the flu and all you want is for someone to bring you ginger-ale and saltines. Other than that. No big deal. Really.

Life is pretty darn great. Currently, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Now, will somebody gift me a housekeeper to do my laundry?

Happy thirty something Birthday to me 🙂