It’s been a year.
A year since I allowed FilmGuy back into my life.
A year since I really wanted this relationship to work.
A year to realize that it’s not now nor ever going to be the relationship and friendship and lover I want for myself. And that I deserve for myself.
I’m 95% confident FilmGuy is feeling the same. I can tell by the lack of him initiating contact (even verbally) and from my personae when not around him for an extended period of time. In fact, there may not be closure, nor maturity for how this will ultimately end.
I could just be throwing his keys under the door and walking away. Which kinda feels awesome.
There is one more dangling thread from his film company that I was associated with that needs to be addressed. I will do that, hopefully today if someone is free at the bank.
Then there is nothing.
No more reason to talk. No more reason to see each other.
We are on different paths. Different trajectories.
It’s a gut feeling that I have. That I’ve finally experienced. That I was told by many it would come. I don’t regret the past year, however, I really wish my gut would have worked faster. Life is too short.
It’s now time to rip the dangling band-aid.
it is a happy day. but it is also a reminder to all ladies [and some men???]. check your boobs regularly!
the story. my half-sister [same father] was diagnosed with cancer of the breast this past February.
it was detected after her first mammogram at the age of 40. it was only her FIRST mammogram!!!
in the past 7 months, my sister’s positive outlook on life and the stage one situation never wavered. The support of her husband of 17 years and the rest of their family and their 15 month old puppy Kwando has been strong and constant, she is now able to say she is Cancer FREE!!!!
this isn’t the first time that the beast of the breast has infiltrated my precious and priceless world.
my 89 year old nana [mom’s side] is a cancer survivor – they were radical in treatment when she got it….age 50ish??? they lopped off the boob. obviously they got it. obviously she’s amazing and hilarious…because at 89 she isn’t sure why she doesn’t have that boob. love her.
my aunt [mom’s side] was diagnosed with cancer of the breast a couple years ago too. Her’s has been a battle. But she’s amazing and wonderful and funny as heck and she’s beating odds and i believe living C-FREE as well.
due to the family history of the BIG C attacking such lovely ladies – my boobs are getting squashed in that mammogram machine five years earlier then the recommended age of 40. And if you’ve been following this blog and doing that math. That trauma is only 4 years away.
In the meantime, I have 4 years to religiously feel myself up on a monthly basis to make sure nothing is infiltrating me. FilmGuy offered to help me accomplish this feat. i said only if i get to do it to him. fair trade right?? 🙂
Happy day everyone! And don’t forget to CHECK YOUR BOOBS!
so my man and I chatted about the camping situation and my POV.
the mature thing to do was for me to go camping. so I said I would go camping, as long as he and I get time away from all these crazy people who can’t do anything without his “ex”. Okay. good compromise.
two days later. he cancelled camping. *thunk* [my jaw hit the floor].
I didn’t get any credit for the cancellation, but I did keep asking during our convo last Wednesday , “why are we going with these people if we don’t like all of them?”
the ultimate reason for cancellation? to paraphrase – it’s the quality of people who you surround yourself with at a campfire, rather than the quantity of people at the campfire. so. no camping. his reason for others – his new contract job could impede on that weekend and therefore is unable to commit to planning/going camping. which is true too. the possibility is there.
I don’t care why, how, who for the cancellation. I’m just glad we aren’t going. It’s been a crazy busy summer of late and every weekend there is something going on until Mid September. FUN but exhausting at the same time.
In the mean time, I do have to figure out a way that I don’t want to throw up every time his ex’s name is mentioned or throw inanimate objects at her head when she comes over to pick up the dog.
one year ago today FilmGuy and I met.
it has been a crazy year of ups and downs in our personal lives and lets face it, making our relationship work, considering we both got laid off and we moved in together only after three or so months of dating, life has been full of surprises. not to mention my encounters with the utmost negative people in the whole wide world [I don’t want to go into it again unfortunately because those peeps still find my blog interesting I think still….and I don’t think I have the post anymore, nonetheless they are no longer present in my world].
Overall, this past year has been absolutely fantastic. all the moments of doubts of who i live with are so small in comparison to the laughter I have everyday. Everyday. How many people can say they laugh everyday and smile everyday? It is finally great to be apart of such an elite group.
I hope everyone takes the opportunity this month to smile for no reason.
As the month of May continues and I head into my 31st birthday with better friends and the love of my life, I honestly can say that I’m surrounded by great people and that even though my realistic slant of the world is still in view, they still stand by me and support me and are there fore me no matter what. That, is true friendship and true love.
In the meantime I’ll work on my grammer and capitalization, but quite frankly I need to go to bed so I can get up early and tackle a new week.
Here’s wishing everyone some love in their life and to be thankful for that someone who makes you laugh, makes you cry and makes you want to punch him in the gut every once in awhile. I find it comforting, to a degree, to have someone in my life that evokes such emotion from me.