I must say that I am not a fan of Christmas. Especially this year.
Never before have I felt more alone. I usually don’t.
For the past three years, I was in a relationship with FilmGuy and organizing Christmas was a harrowing feat as he didn’t have interest in it. Although I tried. I decorated the apartment, I’d organize Christmas dinner with my family and his. But he despised it every step of the way.
Prior to having FilmGuy in my life, aka when I was last single, I would still decorate the apartment and enjoy in the festivities with my extended family and we’d all laugh and have a good time.
No desire to decorate. Not even a wreath on the door.
No extended family around.
My mom, step dad and his two kids could only muster a Linner yesterday (Lunch/Dinner) as my mother and step sisters work schedule was not conducive to the customer Christmas Eve affair that we normally have. Which was fine. It was a lovely ham and scalloped dinner. Much better than the turkey dinner my mother attempts to make every year.
So now it’s Christmas Eve. And I am alone. Painfully aware that I’m alone.
I had made arrangements to go snowboarding tomorrow morning and of course my ride just bailed as he realized he had too many obligations. Hence why I asked him multiple times over the weekend. But he just bailed this morning. via text.
Now I’ve become painfully aware of how alone I am this year and how so many other people have a laundry list of commitments. And how FilmGuy will fulfill his new girlfriends obligations without as much batting an eye of disdain and have a lot of Christmas cheer. It kinda breaks my heart knowing this. Full well knowing that he was unable to do that for me. For whatever reason.
Hence why we are forever broken.
So tomorrow morning will come. And instead of presents, family and laughter, I’m going to try and catch the long ass expensive bus up to Cypress Mountain and go riding for the day. And try to forget that I am alone this year. Because come the 26th, everything will be fine.