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English Has Left the Country

In a sad turn of events (but expected), English has returned to the cliffs of Dover. Literally. He got on a plane eastward bound in the wee hours of this morning.  He will be back in his homeland in time for the weekend and his continuation of fulfilling the next two to three years (I think) to qualify for his pension one day and return to Vancouver.

Even after the spastic-ness of myself last Friday evening, turns out I did not pooch the friendship and he is not ignoring me. Which I must say is a relief. He’s just letting me be the crazy (good and bad) Pirate Girl that I am and texting when he can and when he is near WiFi. Needless to say, the dependence on WiFi is painful and the window that was available Tuesday night to meet up evaporated when he texted me trying to use What’sApp. But to be clear, the texting is no longer as flirty as it was say…the first night he arrived.

It was a sad realization, however,  at 10:30pm Tuesday night to know we wouldn’t see each other again this trip. Failed texts and attempts to hang out have been thwarted by his popularity, my busy active single life and lack of technology or brain power to man up and pay the exorbitant text cost in Canada when the WiFi doesn’t work.

He did man up Wednesday morning and just texted using iMessage that came with the phrases “so sorry”, “can’t meet you on the North Shore”, “have a great time at the beach after work”, and “Big Hug”. Kinda feel like this has been a ploy so someone (ie. me) from Vancouver will come visit him in Kent. Or is that just optimistic and wishful thinking?

Regardless, I’m securely back in random friend zone, feeling like the connection we once had or have, does not translate well on text messaging or emails. It’s hard to explain. But I’ll take the friend zone. Not going to lie, it is a sigh of relief to know he’s still my friend. Now, if I’m a better friend (believe me, I’ve been that absent friend the last year), then next time he’s in town, maybe I won’t be relegated to the sorry pile.

 Life is better with him in it, whatever the status of the relationship is.

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English.

I’ve known English for two years now. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned him here…..hmmmmm…..nope, doesn’t look like I had.

Long story short. I met English when my world with FilmGuy was tanking. The first time. We met at a friend’s birthday where the theme was Pirates. I have now forever been nicknamed Pirate Girl to him.

English was going through his own drama, but we leaned on each other and drank some beers here and there together.

I always thought he wanted more and more consistent. Yes there was flirting and probably some drunk kissing and one very drunk night.

All in all, I decided to focus my energy on FilmGuy. And if you’ve read this blog regularly, you all know how that turned out.

After the uber drunk night and my inner soul to focus on FilmGuy, English and I distanced ourselves from each other. I don’t think it was intentional it just happened. He gave me my space and probably space he needed.  Because if my intuition serves me right. He wanted more. We never discussed it. We never even talked about our relationship.

Then, he had to go back to England, to work a couple more years so he could eventually get his full pension, then return to Vancouver.

He left. And we barely found a moment for us to meet up for a beverage to say goodbye. But we did. We caught up on our lives and what we were doing, relationships and otherwise. But nonetheless, it was a weekday and it was short and sweet. And I thought Frenchie was a good thing to be dating.
And again…you know that was a bad idea as well.

English and I chatted on facebook and a few texts, nothing really deep or meaningful. Just pleasantries really as he has been getting settled in Kent.

Now to the point. The point is English has been in town visiting. He planned out everything to the minute as he was only here for ten days. But I didn’t know he was coming until two days prior. And basically he stopped by my place the night he got off the airplane with his friend, with whom he was staying. I too had a friend crashing on my couch. So there we were. Four of us and English and I staring at each other from across the small living room.

As it was 1:30am and the boys still had a 40 min drive home and my friend had basically started to fall asleep. The boys decided to head out. As the driver stood in the elevator hallway, English cornered me in my bedroom door frame, leaned in and kissed me. A little makeout session if you will.  Then he left.

I didn’t get a chance to see him again until this past Friday night. Late. Really late. He had been trying to figure out when to see me all week and he just decided to text me when the friends he was with were at his fav spot Friday night. Since I was mainstreaming white wine and home by 12:30 decidedly intoxicated, it only seemed natural to flag a cab and head across town to the spot to find him

Naturally.

It is what it is.

It’s March already?  Where did the time go?  February is already a short month and it just seemed to get shorter.

As for me, life is trucking along and some tough decisions were made.

I decided to leave the Softball team that I joined with FilmGuy. Mainly because Captian was being a douche and not getting back to my inquiry as to what the plan was for the team, whether it was FilmGuy or myself. So I made the decision for him – or as Captain would say “Easy for [him]”. Which is insulting. Although I did call him immature and disrespectful in his inability to respond to my email after a week. My patience got the better of me.

Also, I can’t be friends with those who associate with the bully aka FilmGuy.
So. C’est la vie.

Unfortunately, it means I’m losing friends and FilmGuy would then say I’m being a quitter and obviously he’s [as Charlie Sheen said] #WINNING.

Can I roll my eyes yet? No?

Oh yeah….one of my good friends knows FilmGuys new girlfriend and her family. Not directly, but through another friend whom I am an acquaintance of. Basically. It’s FOUR DEGREES OF SEPARATION.

NOW I can roll my eyes.

All of this is too close for comfort. Hence the new friends need apply.

I did join another team, albeit in the same league on the same night [Tuesdays]. That wasn’t intentional, it’s just how it manifested itself.  If I don’t like it, I don’t have to go to play or play against my old team. It’s not a big loss on life, it’s just how life is sometimes.

I have joined other activities and am trying to join a beach volleyball team, but the only one worth joining was also for Tuesday nights, so that blows. It’s too late to back out of softball, so I live with the decisions and hope that another team will need a girl. I am keeping my eyes open.

Aside from that, my social life is at a stand still. All my best girls no longer live in the lower mainland. It is harder to find people that I actually want to spend my time with and who won’t throw me under the bus. With that said, it’s why I’ve been visiting far off places as Kamloops, BC and will be heading to Calgary, AB at the end of the month. These are hot tourist destinations I know! But effort has to be made and who doesn’t like a little adventure!

The biggest thing, is that I’m still crushing on Jacques. There was a rendezvous for a brief minute than I left. Smacking my forehead with the palm of my hand. SUCH a good kisser. On paper he is everything that I find attractive. He himself is physically attractive and for the most part we have such a good time. Too bad there is something that he doesn’t want or doesn’t see in me. He doesn’t want to be a boyfriend or he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend. Either way, he’s just not that into me anymore…abruptly so and I’d love to know why. But men are simple, so, he’s just not that into me.

Although I’ll forever be confused as to why he texted, emailed, sent me a postcard from his holidays and returned with a gift if he didn’t see this going somewhere? Boggles my mind.

All in all, it’s life and I’ll live. Just somehow have got to let those details go and learn to be just friends…that is possible no? hmmm maybe not. Maybe I’m kidding myself. However, our paths will probably cross this summer. We are neighbours and I have been planning on taking sailing lessons which happens to be the same venue where he sails out of. I swear this was planned long before I knew him. In fact FilmGuy and I were to do sailing lessons last summer but FilmGuy didn’t want to bla bla bla, so I’m doing it this year. Come rain or shine. Literally.

Between softball, volleyball and sailing life is looking active. Just the way I like it. I just have to get through March without being THAT girl. That girl who texts Jacques because she’s bored [everybody now….EYEROLL] or THAT girl who throws a pity party for herself on every Friday and Saturday night because she doesn’t have a plan. Or THAT girl whom eats her feelings and hibernates to the point of removing oneself from society.

Luckily I’m only 2 out of the 3 “THAT girl” scenarios. Definitely trying to avoid all three this weekend.

IDIOT

Well Jacques, (aka Frenchie, aka Frenchman, aka Player) and I (aka Idiot), were texting the other night, between christmas and new years. Seems one of my Merry Christmas texts got sent to him. See. IDIOT.

I said…WHOOPS, sorry for the intrusion. To which I received.

him – “it wasn’t an intrusion, in fact it was nice to hear from you”

me – huh?

him – “we should talk when I get back to town”

me – huh? about what?

him – “On why I haven’t been around.”

me – Just give it to me straight I’m a big girl.

him – “I’m perpetually busy. I’m not sure I’d make a half decent boyfriend. That’s essentially it.”

me – having a conversation is better than nothing. Who said anything about boyfriend?

(insert meaningless banter and flirting….ugh *facepalm IDIOT)

him – “I’m off to bed. I have to admit that I miss you and I hate to admit it”

me – why do you hate to admit that? Easily rectified.

him – “We can yak on the horn tomorrow if you want.”

me – on the horn? I’m not that difficult of a woman

him – “The phone. I didn’t say you were difficult! I said I was difficult”

AND then a pick up of conversation of that conversation after New Years…again…my stupid inability to text, while drunk. He never did call.

But that’s neither here or there. Nothing really came of it. Just more meaningless banter.
But explain something to me, WHY on god’s green earth did he say he missed me? He doesn’t. Because if he did he would have been calling and setting up a time to meet. AND why didn’t I say something WITTIER than “easily rectified” I should have called him out on it. Part of me wants to drop him an email saying…wtf…why do men in general say that but yet it’s not true. All women want is the truth, it’s better than a lie. And now it’s too late. I have to ignore and put his number in the Z file so I can’t text him while I try and text other’s using the fancy What’s App thing.

I am an idiot. Got played.

And now that the Holiday Season is FINALLY behind us. Onwards to…..Valentines Day.

Part of me wants to hang myself at the most overrated, commercialized holiday of the year. Which only really sucks when you don’t have someone who has to say “I love you” on that day. Says all singletons everywhere.

*Sigh*

bitter twitter

FilmGuy is using twitter to really just bash me and make himself feel better. Venting on twitter. I know I shouldn’t look. But I really was hoping that he would find someone new and post about that. Or say anything positive.  Now I know you are thinking….how do you know it’s you if he doesn’t say YOU. Well I know him. Well. I know.

I don’t want to respond directly on twitter, but I definitely need to vent. So here I go.

  • Posting: “The Girl Who was addicted to Saddness”
  • My response: Obviously I was, I was with your manic depressive ass for three and a half years.
  • Posting: “you probably think this song is about you”
  • My Response: nope. because it’s probably music i don’t like nor care about as much as you do.
  • Posting: ‘….I wonder how long it will take before your suitor sees through your facade”
  • My Response: Different people evoke a different response. I don’t have a facade you moron. You are just a moody son of a bitch that creates a really bitchy environment.
  • Posting: “You could bottle her scent and sell it as insect repellent”
  • My Response: less than 10 days ago you were spouting grandiose plans of wanting to marry me. explain that asshole.

Now I’m not sure about the last posting, but I’m pretty sure. 80% sure that he’s referring to me. I may not think the song is about me but I sure as hell do think that you are being a bitter ass on twitter and need to move the fuck on. I have.

Done and done

All done. Band aid has been ripped and nothing really feel different except the lack of someone who is built in to like your day. Hopefully this feeling is temporary and love is around the corner. 

A Dangling Band-Aid

It’s been a year. 

A year since I allowed FilmGuy back into my life. 

A year since I really wanted this relationship to work. 

A year to realize that it’s not now nor ever going to be the relationship and friendship and lover I want for myself. And that I deserve for myself. 

I’m 95% confident FilmGuy is feeling the same. I can tell by the lack of him initiating contact (even verbally) and from my personae when not around him for an extended period of time.  In fact, there may not be closure, nor maturity for how this will ultimately end. 

I could just be throwing his keys under the door and walking away. Which kinda feels awesome. 

There is one more dangling thread from his film company that I was associated with that needs to be addressed. I will do that, hopefully today if someone is free at the bank. 

Then there is nothing. 

No more reason to talk. No more reason to see each other. 

We are on different paths. Different trajectories. 

It’s a gut feeling that I have. That I’ve finally experienced. That I was told by many it would come. I don’t regret the past year, however, I really wish my gut would have worked faster. Life is too short. 

It’s now time to rip the dangling band-aid.