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Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

a recap of 2012, just a tad late.

It’s no secret that this past year was full of ups and downs for me. I have been procrastinating on the re-cap because I didn’t want to own up to my mistakes…publicly. Nor do I really want to get into the grey cloud that was consistently hanging over my head in the month of December. However, that’s not to say that 2012 was infinitely better than 2011, because it definitely was, so at least things have been moving in a positive direction. With that said, however, I think it’s safe to say that 2012 was the year of drinking and could quite possibly be the reason I may need a new liver later in life.

In hindsight, I reverted back to the 29 year old who drank away the weekends because that was more fun and entertaining. Yes I’m fully aware that this type of thought process and reasoning could very well be the road to absolute disaster and living off the vodka bottle on a daily basis. Or champagne bottle in my case. But never fear. I’m far too cheap to spend that much money on booze.

The consumption of booze was one of the many complaints I heard from FilmGuy over the past year as we attempted to reconcile our doomed relationship. That my drinking had increased since I no longer lived with him and he didn’t approve. Which is ironic as there was a time when he drank his feelings and the day away far more than I ever have in my life, but it was not okay for me to partake in such affairs of socializing. Even as I type this I want to roll my eyes and reach for the bottle of champagne.  Needless to say, the reconciliation failed miserably, at a friends wedding reception no less. (Fun fact – FilmGuy escorted me to three weddings in the last three years and at all three weddings there was a dramatic issue with FilmGuy.) Ergo, FilmGuy has moved on from proposing to me to falling for 30 year old nurse who follows him to wherever his career stations him and I got under a few good men (pun not intended, but still a good pun).

Currently, I’m doing my Dry January (which could turn into dry February). I did this last year too. Being dry allows me to put a lot of things into perspective. Things such as you don’t need to drink just because your friends are,  you are able to abstain from destructive behavior because you can, and you look at your money and ask the question, “How much did I spend on booze last year?”. And then pick your jaw up off the floor and consider how in fact you are going to retire at the age of 55 if you keep doing that.

But I digress.

Before NYE, I drank the white wine reserves in my fridge with a couple of friends. We had no intention of rip roaring through five bottles for three girls, it is a skill that we really shouldn’t be proud of. But in fact we kind of are.

And then I stepped on a scale. I can now see exactly how many lbs my relationship with FilmGuy cost me. I ate and drank my feelings. So now I have to run and burn my feelings. Or else I’m going to become the unhappy blob and be the only SINGLE person in my family. And no I’m not talking the immediate family. I’m talking the 26+ of immediate and extended family. So. Ya. That’s Awesome. Time to be the happy blob instead.

Also I have taken stock of some friendships. Some are going to have to go, mainly because they are pals with FilmGuy. He can have them. They aren’t including me anymore and quite frankly they are just drinking buddies, which is not where I want to be, so it’s a win win. Other friends that need to go by the way side, as they are the passive aggressive ones that think they are better than me, when they are no better than me than I am of them…(did I say that right?). So, just slowly removing them from my world. I’m a big believer in that not every friend is to be a life long pal and they do all play a role at one point or another.

The good things that have happened is that I’m finally going to be an aunt in 2013. Professionally I made the right choice and moved on to a new company at the right time and scored a big trip to the southern hemisphere as a result. And although it’s a tough job and sometimes lacking motivation and inspiration. It’s still going very well.  Thank goodness, the job is going well and I’m more or less healthy. Everything else will fall into place as well.

2012 has been the tail end of the 2011 roller coaster and I’m ready for this ride to level off. At least for a bit.

As I continue the daily battle to work on myself in my time as a singleton, I have decided to love myself more. That is the one thing that I think lacked, especially in my relationship with FilmGuy. I let him make me think that I wasn’t strong, or smart, or worthy of so much, when in fact, every one is. In fact, I read a review of the movie Silver Linings Playbook, written by the amazing Amanda Adrian*. Her review was an insight into this movie which I liked, but I still consider is kind of a chick-flick, that I had not considered. Love for yourself and that you deserve a love who “Gets you, gets your issues, and loves you because of them, not in spite of them”. Funny, we all know this stuff, but it’s nice to be reminded of it.

The lessons I have learned about myself from the good, bad and ugly of 2012 are that I am a tough and fun loving girl. I absolutely can’t stand being bored. I can be a little crazy at times, but not in a “psycho boil a bunny” kind of way, more like in a “I’m bored can we please do something not normal” kind of way. I am now and forever will be a little bit of a klutz. And that is something that probably won’t ever change. Ergo, I’m just going to love me, be me, and look for a love that just gets me.

Happy New Year Folks! Cheers!

*In case you don’t know of the panda loving Amber Adrian, you should! Amber is not only an amazing writer, but through her writing and on twitter projects such an amazing optimism and humour. I encourage you to review her blog post “Live – Tweeting My Father’s Death”. It’s definitely inspirational how more people in our society need to look at life, not just in death, but in every way. Thank you Amber.


Not A Fan

I must say that I am not a fan of Christmas. Especially this year.

Never before have I felt more alone. I usually don’t.

For the past three years, I was in a relationship with FilmGuy and organizing Christmas was a harrowing feat as he didn’t have interest in it. Although I tried. I decorated the apartment, I’d organize Christmas dinner with my family and his. But he despised it every step of the way.

Prior to having FilmGuy in my life, aka when I was last single, I would still decorate the apartment and enjoy in the festivities with my extended family and we’d all laugh and have a good time.

This year:

No desire to decorate. Not even a wreath on the door.

No FilmGuy.


No extended family around.

My mom, step dad and his two kids could only muster a Linner yesterday (Lunch/Dinner) as my mother and step sisters work schedule was not conducive to the customer Christmas Eve affair that we normally have. Which was fine. It was a lovely ham and scalloped dinner. Much better than the turkey dinner my mother attempts to make every year.

So now it’s Christmas Eve. And I am alone. Painfully aware that I’m alone.

I had made arrangements to go snowboarding tomorrow morning and of course my ride just bailed as he realized he had too many obligations.  Hence why I asked him multiple times over the weekend. But he just bailed this morning. via text.

Now I’ve become painfully aware of how alone I am this year and how so many other people have a laundry list of commitments. And how FilmGuy will fulfill his new girlfriends obligations without as much batting an eye of disdain and have a lot of Christmas cheer. It kinda breaks my heart knowing this. Full well knowing that he was unable to do that for me. For whatever reason.

Hence why we are forever broken.

So tomorrow morning will come. And instead of presents, family and laughter, I’m going to try and catch the long ass expensive bus up to Cypress Mountain and go riding for the day. And try to forget that I am alone this year. Because come the 26th, everything will be fine.