The world is pretty in pink…plus…sometimes it even sparkles

Archive for the ‘Grateful’ Category

a recap of 2012, just a tad late.

It’s no secret that this past year was full of ups and downs for me. I have been procrastinating on the re-cap because I didn’t want to own up to my mistakes…publicly. Nor do I really want to get into the grey cloud that was consistently hanging over my head in the month of December. However, that’s not to say that 2012 was infinitely better than 2011, because it definitely was, so at least things have been moving in a positive direction. With that said, however, I think it’s safe to say that 2012 was the year of drinking and could quite possibly be the reason I may need a new liver later in life.

In hindsight, I reverted back to the 29 year old who drank away the weekends because that was more fun and entertaining. Yes I’m fully aware that this type of thought process and reasoning could very well be the road to absolute disaster and living off the vodka bottle on a daily basis. Or champagne bottle in my case. But never fear. I’m far too cheap to spend that much money on booze.

The consumption of booze was one of the many complaints I heard from FilmGuy over the past year as we attempted to reconcile our doomed relationship. That my drinking had increased since I no longer lived with him and he didn’t approve. Which is ironic as there was a time when he drank his feelings and the day away far more than I ever have in my life, but it was not okay for me to partake in such affairs of socializing. Even as I type this I want to roll my eyes and reach for the bottle of champagne.  Needless to say, the reconciliation failed miserably, at a friends wedding reception no less. (Fun fact – FilmGuy escorted me to three weddings in the last three years and at all three weddings there was a dramatic issue with FilmGuy.) Ergo, FilmGuy has moved on from proposing to me to falling for 30 year old nurse who follows him to wherever his career stations him and I got under a few good men (pun not intended, but still a good pun).

Currently, I’m doing my Dry January (which could turn into dry February). I did this last year too. Being dry allows me to put a lot of things into perspective. Things such as you don’t need to drink just because your friends are,  you are able to abstain from destructive behavior because you can, and you look at your money and ask the question, “How much did I spend on booze last year?”. And then pick your jaw up off the floor and consider how in fact you are going to retire at the age of 55 if you keep doing that.

But I digress.

Before NYE, I drank the white wine reserves in my fridge with a couple of friends. We had no intention of rip roaring through five bottles for three girls, it is a skill that we really shouldn’t be proud of. But in fact we kind of are.

And then I stepped on a scale. I can now see exactly how many lbs my relationship with FilmGuy cost me. I ate and drank my feelings. So now I have to run and burn my feelings. Or else I’m going to become the unhappy blob and be the only SINGLE person in my family. And no I’m not talking the immediate family. I’m talking the 26+ of immediate and extended family. So. Ya. That’s Awesome. Time to be the happy blob instead.

Also I have taken stock of some friendships. Some are going to have to go, mainly because they are pals with FilmGuy. He can have them. They aren’t including me anymore and quite frankly they are just drinking buddies, which is not where I want to be, so it’s a win win. Other friends that need to go by the way side, as they are the passive aggressive ones that think they are better than me, when they are no better than me than I am of them…(did I say that right?). So, just slowly removing them from my world. I’m a big believer in that not every friend is to be a life long pal and they do all play a role at one point or another.

The good things that have happened is that I’m finally going to be an aunt in 2013. Professionally I made the right choice and moved on to a new company at the right time and scored a big trip to the southern hemisphere as a result. And although it’s a tough job and sometimes lacking motivation and inspiration. It’s still going very well.  Thank goodness, the job is going well and I’m more or less healthy. Everything else will fall into place as well.

2012 has been the tail end of the 2011 roller coaster and I’m ready for this ride to level off. At least for a bit.

As I continue the daily battle to work on myself in my time as a singleton, I have decided to love myself more. That is the one thing that I think lacked, especially in my relationship with FilmGuy. I let him make me think that I wasn’t strong, or smart, or worthy of so much, when in fact, every one is. In fact, I read a review of the movie Silver Linings Playbook, written by the amazing Amanda Adrian*. Her review was an insight into this movie which I liked, but I still consider is kind of a chick-flick, that I had not considered. Love for yourself and that you deserve a love who “Gets you, gets your issues, and loves you because of them, not in spite of them”. Funny, we all know this stuff, but it’s nice to be reminded of it.

The lessons I have learned about myself from the good, bad and ugly of 2012 are that I am a tough and fun loving girl. I absolutely can’t stand being bored. I can be a little crazy at times, but not in a “psycho boil a bunny” kind of way, more like in a “I’m bored can we please do something not normal” kind of way. I am now and forever will be a little bit of a klutz. And that is something that probably won’t ever change. Ergo, I’m just going to love me, be me, and look for a love that just gets me.

Happy New Year Folks! Cheers!

*In case you don’t know of the panda loving Amber Adrian, you should! Amber is not only an amazing writer, but through her writing and on twitter projects such an amazing optimism and humour. I encourage you to review her blog post “Live – Tweeting My Father’s Death”. It’s definitely inspirational how more people in our society need to look at life, not just in death, but in every way. Thank you Amber.

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The Universe and I

For now I hold my collective breath.

There is no separating the teams. The space to do so was not granted. But who knows. I’m not holding my breath. It could still happen.

Currently however, the universe and I are having a differing opening on how life should be for me. This year has been jammed packed with good, bad and ugly. I simply cannot wait for 2012 or the universe to let me win the lottery.

Here’s a quick run down of the good, bad and ugly as I see it, this is really more for me than you.

January 2011 – nye was boring and all FilmGuys’ planning of boring and unromantic. My nana passed away later that month.

February to May 2011 was pretty steady of new friends, too much drinking, learning some graphic stuff and me bored at my job.

June 2011 – all in a span of 7 days – FilmGuy and I decided to break, I packed my stuff, ran my friends wedding, had a job interview, decided between two job offers, quite my job, co-workers friend died in a motorcycle accident and I attended the funeral, moved all my stuff into storage and couched surfed and house hunted.

July 2011 to August 2011 – lived in ttown at my nana’s place for six weeks and commuted to my new job. Met a new set of girls whom are in the same place of life as I am and offered their couch if needed as opposed to the bride and groom whose wedding I ran and their inability to have a heart. All this while dealing with FilmGuy and the fallout of me leaving our lives together before he returned from his work trip and having him text/email awful things that no person should be subject too. Plus, bird shit everywhere. All over my car and on me.

Sept. 2011 – all spare income and savings went to buying furniture and rent and movers. FilmGuy and I started couples counselling – still not sure the direction of that. broke a tooth and still don’t have my benefits sorted at work. Stupid people at work who rather gossip and chat than say work. I like what I’m doing, too bad the environment is more gossip girl/the apprentice than real life. My new girls are a lot of fun and the more brunch time with them the better.

Oct. 2011 – my car was the subject of a hit and run – insurance is only giving me $500 for $2000 worth of damage and the idiot stick who hit me wanted to settle privately to which I said…”ummm….no, you hit my car and ran and the only reason i have your number is because of the police. what planet do you live on?”. I still don’t have my benefits sorted for my broken tooth. i had to buy new jeans and still need new pants, but I’m still paying off the whole “buy new furniture” aspect so the money thing is tough and I’m still adjusting to the new rent I pay. Had the girls over to “warm” up my place and enjoy some vino. I enjoyed too much champers and vino. My work pants ripped  along the seam while at work – good thing i don’t talk to people.  FilmGuy and I had a break through three weekends ago.  I started going to the gym at 6am, because after work is for drinks with colleagues and/or friends.

November so far….xmas holidays to anywhere but here are being planned with FilmGuy – yes I’m nervous about this, it’s probably not a good idea, but to be honest he’s been absolutely lovely the past four weeks and if I don’t give it a try I may never forgive myself. Counselling and him being more open allows me to communicate so why not continue with planning to go away for Christmas. Also the girls and I have planned and booked and paid for our trip in February. Cabo.

There have also been this that and the other….all with the universe shelling out shit in my direction. I really would like it to be more positive now. Until then I’m hibernating. Going to the gym, work, then home. Rarely am I venturing out.

I would like to venture out. this weekend I am. we will see.

suddenly, the world has changed.

suddenly my life is okay. suddenly it’s sparkling and pink and rosey. my hardships are my hardships but pale in comparison to the recent event in my co-workers life.

her husband was killed last night in a motorcycle accident. i have no more knowledge than that.

it’s a shocker and it’s upsetting. nothing i can say or do will make anything better. this is a tragedy. not only for her, but for her nine-year old daughter as well.

the advice and support she has given me over the last 6 months with my relationship issues and life ideas has been invaluable to me and i’m not sure there is anything i can do to repay the favour.

too many people i know have ridden a motorcycle and have been either incredibly injured or killed and not necessarily through their own errors or mistakes.

it’s incredibly sad and not everyone in the office knows yet. i know i’m not saying anything.  for now i keep my head down and my fingers moving across the keyboard.