I arrived at the pub at 12:30ish and ran into English who was talking with a former female co-worker, who definitely has a thing for this charming English man. And I was coming off a rough evening of honestly answered questions by Frenchie and realizations that I pick stupid men to hang out with.
English asked me what was wrong and I said…nothing. He knew different.
Female co-worker wish I would just leave. You could tell by her eyes and lack of conversation. So I drunkenly bought a round…inc. Female Co-worker and then found a seat with randoms who ended up buying me a shot while I waited for English to say good bye to her.
He did. Then I had a chance to finally talk with him.
Unfortunately I was drunk and a lot of the details are foggy. But it went something like this.
me – It’s been a year
him – two
me – since we met and i’m an idiot
him – *nodding yes*
me – and now you don’t live here. I miss you.
him – I miss you too.
*pause* hands holding
him – I have plans to stay at other peoples places, I just can’t ditch them…
me – I know.
him – i’m not seeing anyone in England or here.
me – will we ever know?
and then I don’t remember.
But I do remember this. I never knew I saw him that way until I was out with an asshole and all I wanted to do was be with English. See English. All because he kissed me. And I missed him. I missed our laughs, our random dancing at midnight, our candid conversations. I never knew I missed him until that moment.
And now it seems that he’s moved on from that. I don’t blame him either. Two years is a long time to wait for someone to get their act together. To go through the shit they needed too.
There has been some texting but nothing too flirty…just him saying he wishes he could see me. My feeling is, yes I understand, but if there’s a will there’s a way. Sometimes you just need to make things happen, especially if that’s what you want.
And I don’t think he wants. For no other reason than that. It’s not what he wants.
Sure it doesn’t help he’s living in England for the foreseeable future and I’m here.
I’ll deal with all this. There’s nothing else I can do. I can’t make him find time to see me let alone text or talk. If he no longer wants I can’t make him.
But I don’t remember him being this attractive, this put together in his life until now. And he’s possibly one of the nicest guys.
And I never knew.