Therefore….we will now call Frenchie…Jacque.
I met Jacque mid September and then two weeks later I was decidedly out of town in the Southern Hemisphere for three weeks. Then upon my return he was out of town for work and home for one weekend then gone again on vacation for most of November. This week has been the first week he’s been around. Although many texts and emails have gone back and forth. We’ve only seen each other five times.
And each time we’ve seen each other I’ve become more and more nervous and flustered. Not too sure as to why. But every time we have hung out, I do something stupid or say something stupid that is completely out of my character and wheelhouse. I feel like an idiot and all I can do is replay the idiocy in my head over and over and over again.
I am not this person. I don’t obsess over my behavior and what I should have or should have not said or done. Especially when it comes to a boy…er…man. Ultimately throwing everything around my head puts me in a precarious position where I think I may like him more than he likes me.
The things I like about Jacque, aside from him being super tall, dark and handsome (no sh*t). He has a job that he loves, his world is together as much as one can, and he is enjoying life to the fullest. These are the very things that I’m used to being the one to have in the relationship. And even though I’m on the path to the same level he is, Jacque is about six years ahead of me professionally and is more mature than any man I’ve ever dated. Ergo, I feel small next to him and wonder (all the bloody time) what he sees in me and what does he want from me aside from the obvious ;).
Ultimately no one puts in this much time and effort into a relationship if it’s not worth it…but my head is making me wonder if he’s just in this until someone better comes along or does he actually see something in me and want something more substantial.
In this instance, I’m the abnormal one in the “relationship” or whatever this is.
Hell…this could all end tonight or tomorrow or whenever really and I could be mulling about all this anxiety or nerves for no reason but to learn a lesson.
I really need to get outta of my mind.