The world is pretty in pink…plus…sometimes it even sparkles

Decisions….again.

I’ve been attempting to write an update for awhile. But I’ve failed in my efforts immensely. So much has gone on I can’t even jot the events down fast enough.

Needless to say there has been a lot of talking with FilmGuy. I still don’t know what to do about that. Bottom line – my trust in his love for me and my belief in his want for me to be in his life is broken. And I don’t know if that can be fixed. Nor am I entirely sure I want it fixed. So much has happened. I am not sure I could ever move forward in life with him for fear he will turn around and leave me or ask me to leave again. I cannot handle that again.

The Mechanic [aka my sexual kryptonite] seems to think that FilmGuy and I can work it out but only with couples counselling. The Mechanic wants me to be happy and I find it very, very, very weird that I talk to him so intensely about FilmGuy. He’s been great actually.

We’ve been texting constantly and last weekend we spent some time together. Went for a walk and just chilled. It was great to be with someone who likes me for me. Who makes me laugh. Who also drives me NUTS with lame stories. I just roll my eyes as we wandered around the seawall.

But he was attentive and flirty and lovely. It felt nice to have someone pay attention to me again. I didn’t have to initiate. I didn’t have to lead. I didn’t have to do anything except react. Real smiles, real laughter, real rolling of my eyes and real flirting.

It had been so long since I had a pleasant interaction with someone I cared about. It was unreal. It reminded me what I was missing and longing for with FilmGuy.  FilmGuy and I used to have that. Where it went wrong I don’t know.

FilmGuy wants me back. I agreed to a date for tonight. I’ve agreed to a couples cousel ling session.

But The Mechanic has stirred something inside me that I know was missing with FilmGuy in the last six months. Considering it’s been 4-5 years since I had seen The Mechanic in person and those feelings are still there is driving me batty. Unfortunately,there are reasons why The Mechanic and I never worked and they are still there. Mainly The Mechanic and I have lust that outweighs love and our lives aren’t on the same path.

I believe I’m at a point where I have to decide whether or not my love for FilmGuy is worth going through these steps towards reconciliation. I’m not settling, it’s just a different kind of love. One where love outweighs the lust.

It makes me wonder though. Can a girl have both the lust and love with their partner? Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be?

Tonight FilmGuy has planned a date. It starts at 5:30pm. We will see if he can be on time. We will see what he has planned.

Right now, a part of me wants him to “win” me back. Do something that makes me go “yes, I want to be with this person again”. I know that the “win” seems short term, and there definitely needs to be a long term goal. But for now. WIN me. CONVINCE me. Want ME.

Currently though, I have doubts.

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