I’ve been attempting to write an update for awhile. But I’ve failed in my efforts immensely. So much has gone on I can’t even jot the events down fast enough.
Needless to say there has been a lot of talking with FilmGuy. I still don’t know what to do about that. Bottom line – my trust in his love for me and my belief in his want for me to be in his life is broken. And I don’t know if that can be fixed. Nor am I entirely sure I want it fixed. So much has happened. I am not sure I could ever move forward in life with him for fear he will turn around and leave me or ask me to leave again. I cannot handle that again.
The Mechanic [aka my sexual kryptonite] seems to think that FilmGuy and I can work it out but only with couples counselling. The Mechanic wants me to be happy and I find it very, very, very weird that I talk to him so intensely about FilmGuy. He’s been great actually.
We’ve been texting constantly and last weekend we spent some time together. Went for a walk and just chilled. It was great to be with someone who likes me for me. Who makes me laugh. Who also drives me NUTS with lame stories. I just roll my eyes as we wandered around the seawall.
But he was attentive and flirty and lovely. It felt nice to have someone pay attention to me again. I didn’t have to initiate. I didn’t have to lead. I didn’t have to do anything except react. Real smiles, real laughter, real rolling of my eyes and real flirting.
It had been so long since I had a pleasant interaction with someone I cared about. It was unreal. It reminded me what I was missing and longing for with FilmGuy. FilmGuy and I used to have that. Where it went wrong I don’t know.
FilmGuy wants me back. I agreed to a date for tonight. I’ve agreed to a couples cousel ling session.
But The Mechanic has stirred something inside me that I know was missing with FilmGuy in the last six months. Considering it’s been 4-5 years since I had seen The Mechanic in person and those feelings are still there is driving me batty. Unfortunately,there are reasons why The Mechanic and I never worked and they are still there. Mainly The Mechanic and I have lust that outweighs love and our lives aren’t on the same path.
I believe I’m at a point where I have to decide whether or not my love for FilmGuy is worth going through these steps towards reconciliation. I’m not settling, it’s just a different kind of love. One where love outweighs the lust.
It makes me wonder though. Can a girl have both the lust and love with their partner? Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be?
Tonight FilmGuy has planned a date. It starts at 5:30pm. We will see if he can be on time. We will see what he has planned.
Right now, a part of me wants him to “win” me back. Do something that makes me go “yes, I want to be with this person again”. I know that the “win” seems short term, and there definitely needs to be a long term goal. But for now. WIN me. CONVINCE me. Want ME.
Currently though, I have doubts.