my mind is a jumble. it’s not made up. i thought i was heading in one direction. it turns out i have no clue where i want to go.
Apparently FilmGuy emailed me some long torrid and revealing email and I never received it. there was a time in the last three weeks where i didn’t receive email from anyone. (thanks hotmail). and because i didn’t even answer his outpouring heart whatever he wasn’t going to text me. but he did. now the problem is that i’m curious to know. know why he turned into an ogre about everything. why he was being childish and angry? where does that behavoir come from?
I’ve been to enough therapy to know the answers to my childishness and anger issues and really work hard at making a choice to not let that crappy crap crap stuff rear it’s ugly head. Am I perfect at it? no. But I know I work at it.
I think this forum has a very biased view of FilmGuy because all I’ve ever talked about here was the bad stuff [It’s the same with my family and friends and even though I have no regrets…I’m beginning to regret being such a verbal waterfall]. It’s very easy for me to focus on the negative in all aspects of my life and in turn spew it to the supportive world of the internet and in a 10Km radius. I think it’s only fair to divulge some of the amazing stuff too.
For the majority of our relationship he made me feel as if I was the most beautiful woman. He would always send love notes in the mail via postcard or letters [aside from the few i tore up and threw in his face….mature right?…I kept everyone of them]. He made me laugh almost everyday. He taught me to see the bigger picture of life and made me rethink how I want to be in my life. I have personally grown because of him and was looking forward to our life together. Moving forward together.
Instead he asked me to move out. He didn’t want to be in a realtionship anymore. He needed space. He needed time. He needed to grow. Without me around. He couldn’t work on us until he worked on himself. I knew this. I have known this. I just didn’t [still dont’] really understand fully how I was a burden to that process. And how come since I moved out he became a total jerk towards me.
The kicker is, IF he hadn’t been SUCH a jack ass since I moved out with the derogatory commentary, unwanted texts and assholeish behavoir I don’t think I would be so undecided and conflicted right now.
Why am I undecided and conflicted?
When I met FilmGuy for a drink – where I drank water. He’s told me he’s seeing a therapist. I actually have met the therapist guy informally. So I know he’s real. I know they have been talking. What is unclear is for how long they have been talking for.
FilmGuy also started saying all the things that I’ve wanted to hear from him from the past two years that I know he had in him and that he would eventually admit and learn. He admitted his childish behavoir over the past couple of years and how he was unable to do this and that and say this and that. And he admitted he was angry and childish and stupid and that he fucked up when he texted and behaved like a stupid boy since I moved out. But he never really went into why…because he did that in the emails he sent…which I never got. I want to know why. Why did he act like that. Why couldn’t he be a man and stay longer than two hours at my grandmother’s wake? Why couldn’t he follow up his words of support and what not, with actions?
All because you were acting like a selfish child? taking me for granted? you weren’t there for me? How can you say you change so much of your repetative behavoir in the last three months?
My role in all this [because relationships take two] is that I couldn’t nag anymore. I didn’t have it in me to be assertive and steadfast in my convictions anymore. I couldn’t care about his mood anymore. I couldn’t take care of myself second anymore. So I stopped. Physically I was there, mentally I left. I admit it. My heart was walking away. Was walking out the door. Because I couldn’t have him drown me mentally anymore. But physically I was willing to stay. Because I knew he could find this part of himself. I knew this part existed. There was no doubt in my mind.
I still love him. I know a part of me will always love him. I wanted my life with him. I wanted the future with him. Because overall it was going to be fantastic.
A part of me still wants a future with him and the happiness I know in my heart that it would bring and be.
FilmGuy says he finally understands what i’ve been trying to say about money and responsibility and cleaning and making the bed and about shutting the effing kitchen cabinet doors [not necessarily in that order]. He says he now recognizes his own personal barriers about himself that he didn’t realize were even there – has he elaborated? probably in those goddamn emails. I’m glad he is recognizing these things in himself and that he wants to grow and mature and is actually making steps.
Here’s the kicker of everything.
He wants me to forgive him.
He wants me to be open to the possibility of us.
He wants me to move forward with him.
He wants to be there for me.
He wants to take me to Puerto Vallarta for xmas.
He wants me to know my ring size.
He wants to marry me.
What do I want?
I do not know.
I know what I wanted. I wanted him. I wanted him to want to be apart of my family and my friends. I wanted my life with him.
What I do know.
My family will never accept nor like him for what he has put me through but they will support me. My mother will support me but it would be with the utmost reluctance. My friends would support my decision, but may never accept him nor like him.
I didn’t want to be in this position. I didn’t want to be living by myself. I didn’t want to be furniture shopping and moving forward in my life without him.I didn’t want to be angry at him for letting me go just like my father did.
My heart hurts.