Over this past weekend there was text messages (which I ignored), my phone would ring (which I ignored), and then there would be a text message saying
“if you don’t want to talk. I understand. Email me.”
I was annoyed. I finally said. I’m free for the next 60 mins to which he replied he would call me in 15mins. 30 mins later he phoned.
He wanted to talk about my day. What was going on. Why I was so busy. I just unloaded the same stuff I’ve been saying.
You asked me to leave so I left. In the mean time I’ve been moving on. Buying and looking for furniture – a new couch, new bed, new kitchen table etc. I am not sure what you want to talk about. What is there to talk about except for the business. You keep saying you want to talk about stuff. What stuff? you are not being direct. The best part was him telling me not to buy anything until he returned from his work trip. He would go furniture shopping with me.
From there it was an upsetting conversation. I need a bed. I need a couch. Why should I wait for you. Also, I said there was no way we could talk like we did before – everyday. If you want to talk, fine, but dial it down. You are driving me insane. Making me feel like a cretan for not returning emails, texts or phone calls. So he said he would.
THEN HE EMAILED ME. Here is the exchange. I know I shouldn’t have responded but I did.
To J ewels
Thanks for the chat tonight and I’ll leave you alone for a while and get in touch with you later.
I did want to say though that it does seem to me, maybe I’m wrong, but it seems you want to reiterate to me a lot about what a rough time you’ve had over the last couple of months and I do know it’s been rough but it’s been rough for me too okay?
But I’m trying to weed through the pain we feel and go deeper into the shit between us so we can come out the other side and I want you to be open to that whatever it may be.
Have a good one.
Going to New York on Tuesday and I really wish you were coming with me.
Thanks for the email.
Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am reiterating the last couple months. But it’s really the last couple of weeks that have hurt the most. I am not sure you quite grasp exactly how hurt I am. I can’t let that hurt go just yet. And everytime we chat at this time it’s all I can really think about.
As for weeding through the pain. That’s what I’m doing. I think you need to weed through your own pain and then figure out what stuff it is you need/want to talk about. Because as I said on the phone I’m not entirely sure what that stuff is.
We will talk about whatever stuff you want to talk about and the COMPANY and all that entails and possibly revisit the money conversation when you return.
FROM FILM GUY
Well as for stuff it’s really to determine if we’re letting go for good or if FILMGUY and JEWELS II is in the cards. I don’t mean to simplify it that way but that’s what it’s about.
Really? Well I’m curious to hear why I should even consider that. Talk to you when you return.
FROM FILM GUY
I’ll talk to you about it when I get back then but it’s because there were a lot more positives to our relationship than there were negative, I truly care about you, you’ve opened up a lot of possibilities for me and my life, I want to fix the mistakes I’ve made and never make them again nor do I want to take you for granted you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I still love you.
I don’t want to live my life regretting this mistake, grow from it, and make a monumental effort moving forward. I want to look myself in the mirror and say I tried.
I look at the language he used in that last reply. There are a lot of “I”‘s. Alot about him, about what he wants, about him not having regrets. Not really what he can bring to me, what he would do differently or how he is going to be different or steps to be made or are being made to be differently.
I’m curious as to whom he has spoken with who made him see the light to recognize what an asshat he’s been.
As my wise cousin said – “once an asshat, always an asshat”.
I am a forgiving person, but I have rediscoverd my self respect. The things he has said/texted/emailed since I moved out have been so hurtful and unforgivable. He has said those things were said in anger. So. does that mean I shouldn’t take them seriously? That you really didn’t feel those things about me? That you didn’t waste two years on our relationship and that I owe you an apology? That I am not really a miserable, negative and condecending person? That you didn’t have a “hot date and a sleepover”? That you didn’t text me a picture of you and a girl? Does this mean I have to take your word when you only talk nice to me and ignore everything else? I can’t question whether or not you ever loved me? That I was your soul mate? That I was an amazing person and you never would let me go or let me fall?
He has said all those things. FilmGuy has been an asshat since he asked me to leave our apartment. Now all of a sudden he woke up and realized what an asshat he’s been and now he wants to mend it.
I have not responded to that last email. I will talk to him when he returns in two weeks.