It’s two years to the day that I met FilmGuy. We’ve been living together for the majority of that time. It is because we are living together that we are still together. We have a commitment to each other. We do have fun together. I know he loves me. I love him. But I’ve been struggling internally with what I ultimately want for months now.
We just went to Whistler for the weekend. Because he wanted to go and I wanted to go but it came at the expense of my weekend plans. Weekend plans that his support and presence was welcomed and invited too. But he just didn’t want to go, wasn’t his thing. I can respect that…to a point. One of the events was a brunch with my extended family and it involved food, drink, ashes and mud flats. Details aren’t important. What is important is if I had gone I would have to explain his absence and why he isn’t there to support me and our family. And quite frankly I didn’t want to have to explain that. I understand both sides and I respect his, but the other half of me wanted him to say “I’ll be there. End of story”. But he didn’t. We went to Whistler.
As a partner for my life, I’m still awaiting a verdict.
He is unable to talk finances with me. He tries to put his inability to talk to me about money on me, when in fact it’s his own issues. He thinks that money is the sole priority for me. It’s not entirely, but it’s a big part of the world we live in and if we don’t talk about it, it’s just ignorance. Apparently though I approach it wrong. If I tiptoed any higher I wouldn’t have to wear high heeled shoes. I don’t trust him with money. Simple. Mainly because I’ve seen how he runs his little [very little] hockey and football pools with his friends. The winner is always paid, but you are taking money allotted for peter to pay paul. Or something like that. That money management behavior is an indication of how he handles all his finances and it just irks me. All the bills get paid yes, but if we had a joint account, I would be wondering if that book he’ll be getting to read eventually had come out of the joint account because his personal account would be low on funds. It would drive me nuts. Of course he would say “I wouldn’t do that” and then I would say “well i’ve seen you take money from one place intended for other things how do i know it wouldn’t apply to a bigger situation”. He gets funny about money and it’s irritating. That is just one thing.
He misses the bigger picture. We aren’t married, nor do either of us want to be, but we still have to develop some sort of partnership bond that equates the marriage license. That I know is what I want. And if we are unable to talk about money without evoking an argument or health or life together, then what the fuck is the point of this?
There are other things that bother me, but those are things that I am expecting to be fulfilled which are unrealistic as that would require me to change him. That is definitely something that I don’t want to do. I don’t want to change him. But I do believe that evolution of yourself is inevitable and is warranted in life. I think the bigger question will be is if we evolve together. Provide the support and stability that the other person needs.
Right now, I think FilmGuy the majority of the time is the taker and I’m the giver. After two years, maybe it’s time for me to take a bit more for myself. So I wonder does that mean with him? or without him? A question I’m still not ready to answer. The pro/con list is getting pretty uneven though.