I know it’s been awhile, but a lot has happened and although I am in dire need to post something light hearted and fun. It will have to wait. I have the pics of all the shoes that I purchased in Reno that I’m dying to share. I have, however, a many things stirring in my precious mind.
I guess I can start off by saying I’m more fragile than people realize. I think anyone of us are. There is only so long you can put up a strong exterior before you break. Well I reached that last weekend. Family issues, which I will not disclose in this forum in detail, came to a head before I left for Reno between my mother and I. The same old problems and I think I’m tired of working at it. I’m tired of dealing with it. So my solution, viewed/judged by some, as immature and juvenille are too quick to form an opinion without knowing the history. The painful history that you can forgive but never forget. It’s tiring to know that nothing will change. So you change on how you deal. So I deal. By not putting in any more effort than I have too, meaning I don’t initiate contact with my mother. Life is much more peaceful and enjoyable. Sad but true.
Unfortunately, this peacefulness was rocked while in Reno, my nana broke her hip and my step-father got word of his surgery date for back surgery. My mother has been the main support for my nana regardless of how many other family members there are milling around the outer circles and the stress of an 87 year old mother experiencing sun-downing due to medication alterations and the impending surgery of her 63 year old partner has caused immense amount of stress. With my brother being more focused on being a newlywed, my phone continues to ring as the only person to support my mother in this time of stress. Therefore causing me stress and causing me to think of what could very well happen, and what is inevitably going to happen in the future.
Basically, I have this gut feeling, that it’s all going to come down to me. I’m going to be expected to do it. My brother has already mentioned that he has a wife. hmmm okay. Well…watch me get a husband…er… steady live-in boyfriend. [marriage is another issue]. then what. So… I have a feeling there will be family dynamics playing a huge part in my future…because I can’t do it and honestly, I don’t want to do it. I know. It sounds mean and callous. But before you judge and form an opinion, remember, there is always more to a story.
So this all broke around me the last couple of weeks. After dealing with the successful surgery of both my nana and my step-dad, the drama that I forsee my future to be will wait for another day. Hopefully a lot will change between now and then.
But for now. I revert to my tactic of little to no contact.
Because it’s better for me.
And quite frankly.
It’s always been just me and I’m okay with that.
It’s my life.
I have to make sure I’m happy and content.
And more importantly.