English Has Left the Country

In a sad turn of events (but expected), English has returned to the cliffs of Dover. Literally. He got on a plane eastward bound in the wee hours of this morning.  He will be back in his homeland in time for the weekend and his continuation of fulfilling the next two to three years (I think) to qualify for his pension one day and return to Vancouver.

Even after the spastic-ness of myself last Friday evening, turns out I did not pooch the friendship and he is not ignoring me. Which I must say is a relief. He’s just letting me be the crazy (good and bad) Pirate Girl that I am and texting when he can and when he is near WiFi. Needless to say, the dependence on WiFi is painful and the window that was available Tuesday night to meet up evaporated when he texted me trying to use What’sApp. But to be clear, the texting is no longer as flirty as it was say…the first night he arrived.

It was a sad realization, however,  at 10:30pm Tuesday night to know we wouldn’t see each other again this trip. Failed texts and attempts to hang out have been thwarted by his popularity, my busy active single life and lack of technology or brain power to man up and pay the exorbitant text cost in Canada when the WiFi doesn’t work.

He did man up Wednesday morning and just texted using iMessage that came with the phrases “so sorry”, “can’t meet you on the North Shore”, “have a great time at the beach after work”, and “Big Hug”. Kinda feel like this has been a ploy so someone (ie. me) from Vancouver will come visit him in Kent. Or is that just optimistic and wishful thinking?

Regardless, I’m securely back in random friend zone, feeling like the connection we once had or have, does not translate well on text messaging or emails. It’s hard to explain. But I’ll take the friend zone. Not going to lie, it is a sigh of relief to know he’s still my friend. Now, if I’m a better friend (believe me, I’ve been that absent friend the last year), then next time he’s in town, maybe I won’t be relegated to the sorry pile.

 Life is better with him in it, whatever the status of the relationship is.

I Never Knew

I arrived at the pub at 12:30ish and ran into English who was talking with a former female co-worker, who definitely has a thing for this charming English man. And I was coming off a rough evening of honestly answered questions by Frenchie and realizations that I pick stupid men to hang out with.

English asked me what was wrong and I said…nothing. He knew different.
Female co-worker wish I would just leave. You could tell by her eyes and lack of conversation. So I drunkenly bought a round…inc. Female Co-worker and then found a seat with randoms who ended up buying me a shot while I waited for English to say good bye to her.

He did. Then I had a chance to finally talk with him.

Unfortunately I was drunk and a lot of the details are foggy. But it went something like this.

me – It’s been a year

him – two

me – since we met and i’m an idiot

him – *nodding yes*

me – and now you don’t live here. I miss you.

him – I miss you too.

*pause* hands holding

him – I have plans to stay at other peoples places, I just can’t ditch them…

me – I know.

him – i’m not seeing anyone in England or here.

me – will we ever know?

and then I don’t remember.

But I do remember this. I never knew I saw him that way until I was out with an asshole and all I wanted to do was be with English. See English. All because he kissed me. And I missed him. I missed our laughs, our random dancing at midnight, our candid conversations. I never knew I missed him until that moment.

And now it seems that he’s moved on from that. I don’t blame him either. Two years is a long time to wait for someone to get their act together. To go through the shit they needed too.

There has been some texting but nothing too flirty…just him saying he wishes he could see me. My feeling is, yes I understand, but if there’s a will there’s a way. Sometimes you just need to make things happen, especially if that’s what you want.

And I don’t think he wants. For no other reason than that. It’s not what he wants.

Sure it doesn’t help he’s living in England for the foreseeable future and I’m here.

I’ll deal with all this. There’s nothing else I can do. I can’t make him find time to see me let alone text or talk. If he no longer wants I can’t make him.

But I don’t remember him being this attractive, this put together in his life until now. And he’s possibly one of the nicest guys.

And I never knew.

English.

I’ve known English for two years now. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned him here…..hmmmmm…..nope, doesn’t look like I had.

Long story short. I met English when my world with FilmGuy was tanking. The first time. We met at a friend’s birthday where the theme was Pirates. I have now forever been nicknamed Pirate Girl to him.

English was going through his own drama, but we leaned on each other and drank some beers here and there together.

I always thought he wanted more and more consistent. Yes there was flirting and probably some drunk kissing and one very drunk night.

All in all, I decided to focus my energy on FilmGuy. And if you’ve read this blog regularly, you all know how that turned out.

After the uber drunk night and my inner soul to focus on FilmGuy, English and I distanced ourselves from each other. I don’t think it was intentional it just happened. He gave me my space and probably space he needed.  Because if my intuition serves me right. He wanted more. We never discussed it. We never even talked about our relationship.

Then, he had to go back to England, to work a couple more years so he could eventually get his full pension, then return to Vancouver.

He left. And we barely found a moment for us to meet up for a beverage to say goodbye. But we did. We caught up on our lives and what we were doing, relationships and otherwise. But nonetheless, it was a weekday and it was short and sweet. And I thought Frenchie was a good thing to be dating.
And again…you know that was a bad idea as well.

English and I chatted on facebook and a few texts, nothing really deep or meaningful. Just pleasantries really as he has been getting settled in Kent.

Now to the point. The point is English has been in town visiting. He planned out everything to the minute as he was only here for ten days. But I didn’t know he was coming until two days prior. And basically he stopped by my place the night he got off the airplane with his friend, with whom he was staying. I too had a friend crashing on my couch. So there we were. Four of us and English and I staring at each other from across the small living room.

As it was 1:30am and the boys still had a 40 min drive home and my friend had basically started to fall asleep. The boys decided to head out. As the driver stood in the elevator hallway, English cornered me in my bedroom door frame, leaned in and kissed me. A little makeout session if you will.  Then he left.

I didn’t get a chance to see him again until this past Friday night. Late. Really late. He had been trying to figure out when to see me all week and he just decided to text me when the friends he was with were at his fav spot Friday night. Since I was mainstreaming white wine and home by 12:30 decidedly intoxicated, it only seemed natural to flag a cab and head across town to the spot to find him

Naturally.

It is what it is.

It’s March already?  Where did the time go?  February is already a short month and it just seemed to get shorter.

As for me, life is trucking along and some tough decisions were made.

I decided to leave the Softball team that I joined with FilmGuy. Mainly because Captian was being a douche and not getting back to my inquiry as to what the plan was for the team, whether it was FilmGuy or myself. So I made the decision for him – or as Captain would say “Easy for [him]“. Which is insulting. Although I did call him immature and disrespectful in his inability to respond to my email after a week. My patience got the better of me.

Also, I can’t be friends with those who associate with the bully aka FilmGuy.
So. C’est la vie.

Unfortunately, it means I’m losing friends and FilmGuy would then say I’m being a quitter and obviously he’s [as Charlie Sheen said] #WINNING.

Can I roll my eyes yet? No?

Oh yeah….one of my good friends knows FilmGuys new girlfriend and her family. Not directly, but through another friend whom I am an acquaintance of. Basically. It’s FOUR DEGREES OF SEPARATION.

NOW I can roll my eyes.

All of this is too close for comfort. Hence the new friends need apply.

I did join another team, albeit in the same league on the same night [Tuesdays]. That wasn’t intentional, it’s just how it manifested itself.  If I don’t like it, I don’t have to go to play or play against my old team. It’s not a big loss on life, it’s just how life is sometimes.

I have joined other activities and am trying to join a beach volleyball team, but the only one worth joining was also for Tuesday nights, so that blows. It’s too late to back out of softball, so I live with the decisions and hope that another team will need a girl. I am keeping my eyes open.

Aside from that, my social life is at a stand still. All my best girls no longer live in the lower mainland. It is harder to find people that I actually want to spend my time with and who won’t throw me under the bus. With that said, it’s why I’ve been visiting far off places as Kamloops, BC and will be heading to Calgary, AB at the end of the month. These are hot tourist destinations I know! But effort has to be made and who doesn’t like a little adventure!

The biggest thing, is that I’m still crushing on Jacques. There was a rendezvous for a brief minute than I left. Smacking my forehead with the palm of my hand. SUCH a good kisser. On paper he is everything that I find attractive. He himself is physically attractive and for the most part we have such a good time. Too bad there is something that he doesn’t want or doesn’t see in me. He doesn’t want to be a boyfriend or he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend. Either way, he’s just not that into me anymore…abruptly so and I’d love to know why. But men are simple, so, he’s just not that into me.

Although I’ll forever be confused as to why he texted, emailed, sent me a postcard from his holidays and returned with a gift if he didn’t see this going somewhere? Boggles my mind.

All in all, it’s life and I’ll live. Just somehow have got to let those details go and learn to be just friends…that is possible no? hmmm maybe not. Maybe I’m kidding myself. However, our paths will probably cross this summer. We are neighbours and I have been planning on taking sailing lessons which happens to be the same venue where he sails out of. I swear this was planned long before I knew him. In fact FilmGuy and I were to do sailing lessons last summer but FilmGuy didn’t want to bla bla bla, so I’m doing it this year. Come rain or shine. Literally.

Between softball, volleyball and sailing life is looking active. Just the way I like it. I just have to get through March without being THAT girl. That girl who texts Jacques because she’s bored [everybody now....EYEROLL] or THAT girl who throws a pity party for herself on every Friday and Saturday night because she doesn’t have a plan. Or THAT girl whom eats her feelings and hibernates to the point of removing oneself from society.

Luckily I’m only 2 out of the 3 “THAT girl” scenarios. Definitely trying to avoid all three this weekend.

a recap of 2012, just a tad late.

It’s no secret that this past year was full of ups and downs for me. I have been procrastinating on the re-cap because I didn’t want to own up to my mistakes…publicly. Nor do I really want to get into the grey cloud that was consistently hanging over my head in the month of December. However, that’s not to say that 2012 was infinitely better than 2011, because it definitely was, so at least things have been moving in a positive direction. With that said, however, I think it’s safe to say that 2012 was the year of drinking and could quite possibly be the reason I may need a new liver later in life.

In hindsight, I reverted back to the 29 year old who drank away the weekends because that was more fun and entertaining. Yes I’m fully aware that this type of thought process and reasoning could very well be the road to absolute disaster and living off the vodka bottle on a daily basis. Or champagne bottle in my case. But never fear. I’m far too cheap to spend that much money on booze.

The consumption of booze was one of the many complaints I heard from FilmGuy over the past year as we attempted to reconcile our doomed relationship. That my drinking had increased since I no longer lived with him and he didn’t approve. Which is ironic as there was a time when he drank his feelings and the day away far more than I ever have in my life, but it was not okay for me to partake in such affairs of socializing. Even as I type this I want to roll my eyes and reach for the bottle of champagne.  Needless to say, the reconciliation failed miserably, at a friends wedding reception no less. (Fun fact – FilmGuy escorted me to three weddings in the last three years and at all three weddings there was a dramatic issue with FilmGuy.) Ergo, FilmGuy has moved on from proposing to me to falling for 30 year old nurse who follows him to wherever his career stations him and I got under a few good men (pun not intended, but still a good pun).

Currently, I’m doing my Dry January (which could turn into dry February). I did this last year too. Being dry allows me to put a lot of things into perspective. Things such as you don’t need to drink just because your friends are,  you are able to abstain from destructive behavior because you can, and you look at your money and ask the question, “How much did I spend on booze last year?”. And then pick your jaw up off the floor and consider how in fact you are going to retire at the age of 55 if you keep doing that.

But I digress.

Before NYE, I drank the white wine reserves in my fridge with a couple of friends. We had no intention of rip roaring through five bottles for three girls, it is a skill that we really shouldn’t be proud of. But in fact we kind of are.

And then I stepped on a scale. I can now see exactly how many lbs my relationship with FilmGuy cost me. I ate and drank my feelings. So now I have to run and burn my feelings. Or else I’m going to become the unhappy blob and be the only SINGLE person in my family. And no I’m not talking the immediate family. I’m talking the 26+ of immediate and extended family. So. Ya. That’s Awesome. Time to be the happy blob instead.

Also I have taken stock of some friendships. Some are going to have to go, mainly because they are pals with FilmGuy. He can have them. They aren’t including me anymore and quite frankly they are just drinking buddies, which is not where I want to be, so it’s a win win. Other friends that need to go by the way side, as they are the passive aggressive ones that think they are better than me, when they are no better than me than I am of them…(did I say that right?). So, just slowly removing them from my world. I’m a big believer in that not every friend is to be a life long pal and they do all play a role at one point or another.

The good things that have happened is that I’m finally going to be an aunt in 2013. Professionally I made the right choice and moved on to a new company at the right time and scored a big trip to the southern hemisphere as a result. And although it’s a tough job and sometimes lacking motivation and inspiration. It’s still going very well.  Thank goodness, the job is going well and I’m more or less healthy. Everything else will fall into place as well.

2012 has been the tail end of the 2011 roller coaster and I’m ready for this ride to level off. At least for a bit.

As I continue the daily battle to work on myself in my time as a singleton, I have decided to love myself more. That is the one thing that I think lacked, especially in my relationship with FilmGuy. I let him make me think that I wasn’t strong, or smart, or worthy of so much, when in fact, every one is. In fact, I read a review of the movie Silver Linings Playbook, written by the amazing Amanda Adrian*. Her review was an insight into this movie which I liked, but I still consider is kind of a chick-flick, that I had not considered. Love for yourself and that you deserve a love who “Gets you, gets your issues, and loves you because of them, not in spite of them”. Funny, we all know this stuff, but it’s nice to be reminded of it.

The lessons I have learned about myself from the good, bad and ugly of 2012 are that I am a tough and fun loving girl. I absolutely can’t stand being bored. I can be a little crazy at times, but not in a “psycho boil a bunny” kind of way, more like in a “I’m bored can we please do something not normal” kind of way. I am now and forever will be a little bit of a klutz. And that is something that probably won’t ever change. Ergo, I’m just going to love me, be me, and look for a love that just gets me.

Happy New Year Folks! Cheers!

*In case you don’t know of the panda loving Amber Adrian, you should! Amber is not only an amazing writer, but through her writing and on twitter projects such an amazing optimism and humour. I encourage you to review her blog post “Live – Tweeting My Father’s Death”. It’s definitely inspirational how more people in our society need to look at life, not just in death, but in every way. Thank you Amber.