Breaking Point

My phone decided to leap from my safe, warm, and dry hands and nose dive into the toilet on Friday night. Five minutes before I was to leave to meet a girlfriend at the art gallery for an event.

I frantically swore and scooped my phone from the bowels of the toilet bowl. Frantically made my way to the kitchen and opened the bag of highly expensive organic brown rice and put a cup of that into a pot with my phone.

Then high tailed it out the door to try and meet my friend at an art gallery that has two entrances and organizers not being clear as to which entrance to use.

Needless to say, my friend and I never met up

She was thought something must have happened to me.

I walked all the way to FilmGuys’ place where I proceeded to have a pity party. FilmGuy normally would have ran away and returned his attention to the TV. This time he didn’t. He turned the TV off. He got me a glass of water and put an arm around my shoulder and let me have my pity party.

The next day he helped me get a new phone. He was supportive. Helpful. All the things he’s supposed to be.

And of course my old phone didn’t back up properly to itunes and my entire contact list was gone AND I don’t have internet at home to upgrade the itunes software for my phone. I had to take my laptop to FilmGuy’s that evening and do it all there.

He’s putting all this effort into me, into us and I am unable to subconsciously return the gestures. I actually have to think about it and make an effort. More than I used to. It used to come naturally. A want. Now…I’m not so sure. He’s the one guy thought who doesn’t annoy me or make me roll my eyes at when he’s being annoying unlike the Mechanic.

This year has sucked beyond compare. Some of it my fault, most of it his fault and other 10% the result of just plain dumb luck.  I am at my breaking point. I keep picking myself up, but honest to god, I’m tired of doing all the heaving lifting.

2012 cannot come soon enough.

The Universe and I

For now I hold my collective breath.

There is no separating the teams. The space to do so was not granted. But who knows. I’m not holding my breath. It could still happen.

Currently however, the universe and I are having a differing opening on how life should be for me. This year has been jammed packed with good, bad and ugly. I simply cannot wait for 2012 or the universe to let me win the lottery.

Here’s a quick run down of the good, bad and ugly as I see it, this is really more for me than you.

January 2011 – nye was boring and all FilmGuys’ planning of boring and unromantic. My nana passed away later that month.

February to May 2011 was pretty steady of new friends, too much drinking, learning some graphic stuff and me bored at my job.

June 2011 – all in a span of 7 days – FilmGuy and I decided to break, I packed my stuff, ran my friends wedding, had a job interview, decided between two job offers, quite my job, co-workers friend died in a motorcycle accident and I attended the funeral, moved all my stuff into storage and couched surfed and house hunted.

July 2011 to August 2011 – lived in ttown at my nana’s place for six weeks and commuted to my new job. Met a new set of girls whom are in the same place of life as I am and offered their couch if needed as opposed to the bride and groom whose wedding I ran and their inability to have a heart. All this while dealing with FilmGuy and the fallout of me leaving our lives together before he returned from his work trip and having him text/email awful things that no person should be subject too. Plus, bird shit everywhere. All over my car and on me.

Sept. 2011 – all spare income and savings went to buying furniture and rent and movers. FilmGuy and I started couples counselling – still not sure the direction of that. broke a tooth and still don’t have my benefits sorted at work. Stupid people at work who rather gossip and chat than say work. I like what I’m doing, too bad the environment is more gossip girl/the apprentice than real life. My new girls are a lot of fun and the more brunch time with them the better.

Oct. 2011 – my car was the subject of a hit and run – insurance is only giving me $500 for $2000 worth of damage and the idiot stick who hit me wanted to settle privately to which I said…”ummm….no, you hit my car and ran and the only reason i have your number is because of the police. what planet do you live on?”. I still don’t have my benefits sorted for my broken tooth. i had to buy new jeans and still need new pants, but I’m still paying off the whole “buy new furniture” aspect so the money thing is tough and I’m still adjusting to the new rent I pay. Had the girls over to “warm” up my place and enjoy some vino. I enjoyed too much champers and vino. My work pants ripped  along the seam while at work – good thing i don’t talk to people.  FilmGuy and I had a break through three weekends ago.  I started going to the gym at 6am, because after work is for drinks with colleagues and/or friends.

November so far….xmas holidays to anywhere but here are being planned with FilmGuy – yes I’m nervous about this, it’s probably not a good idea, but to be honest he’s been absolutely lovely the past four weeks and if I don’t give it a try I may never forgive myself. Counselling and him being more open allows me to communicate so why not continue with planning to go away for Christmas. Also the girls and I have planned and booked and paid for our trip in February. Cabo.

There have also been this that and the other….all with the universe shelling out shit in my direction. I really would like it to be more positive now. Until then I’m hibernating. Going to the gym, work, then home. Rarely am I venturing out.

I would like to venture out. this weekend I am. we will see.

Hypothetically speaking.

Hypothetically speaking – if the top brass at a growing company were to separate an important team from the corporate office to another building [not another floor] due to anticipated expansion. And say one member of that team is involved with all aspects of the company…say corporate and the team.

How effective would you say the communication is going to be especially where there already might be communication concerns in current environment?

ALSO there might only be ONE person who doesn’t travel as often as the other FOUR members of the team. Ergo that ONE person would be solo in an office for weeks at a time. With noone to talk to. Unless that person leaves the office and walks to the corporate office.

Of course work would get done. But also potential work would get missed as people forget about that ONE person and what they bring to the table.

Doesn’t this hypothetically sound like an awesome adventure?

need more time

I think the statue of limitations has ended on my indecisiveness. i need to make a decsion.

Too bad I’m not ready.

FilmGuy is ready. Ready to walk away.

I’m not ready to commit. He hurt me so deep. He doesn’t completely understand and he then turns the table saying that he hurts just as bad and that I’ve hurt him and been critical of him. He wants me everyday. I am not available.

My life with FilmGuy would be an epic adventure. If only we could be forget the past and run right by the mundane aspects of life. Like the fact that he left me in the middle of the night to go to another girls house and those pesky dishes and bills.

AND we need to start talking about the bigger issues as opposed to the little issues at counselling. That is if we are continuing with that.

I need more time.

I don’t think I’m going to get it.

random thoughts.

too much going on right now to even speak of the events that have happened the past couple weeks.

but here’s a thought [or a few for good measure]

- not sure if couples counselling will salvage the relationship with FilmGuy it might just give me closure and understanding of what happened. my ability to forgive enough to move forward may not be an ability I possess.

- my mother was driving me insane. I somehow became her pet project over the summer and I had no choice but to tell her to back the ‘eff” off. And I learned I cannot have her involved in my life – beyond letting her know I’m alive. period.

- FilmGuy has the same birthday as my mother.

- FilmGuy’s middle name is The Mechanics [aka Sexual Kryptonite] first name.

- The Mechanic’s middle name is the same name as my granddad’s name.

- not sure what i’m doing for thanksgiving [CDN thanksgiving is this weekend] except I know I’m not going to the family homestead. Nor am I going there for xmas. Need a plan for that one.

Just  a thought.